These past days at around 5 A.M. I’ve been waking up with horrible nightmares. All night I’m tossing and turning, feels like I haven’t slept at all. Sleep was the last place I had. It was the last six hours of just empty space, no thoughts, no voices… nothing like that. Then last night, everything I was trying to hide, invaded the last place I had, the last safe place I had. They were constantly reminding me, mocking me, taunting me…
Maybe it’s because I’m running out of time and they are trying to get some last cheap shots before I ended it. When does this happen? I mean how far does it have to go, at what point does the idea of suicide enter your mind and you find yourself wrapping in its comfort? When is it that the idea of your heart ceasing to beat, your lungs no longer filling with air and your blood no longer pumping in your veins become soothing? Every day people fight against death and here I am running towards it…
I wish that I could trade places with those people that have lost their lives and still had so much to do in this world… or those who are perishing as we speak and have so much to give.
I wish my life meant something, had purpose or something! I don’t have nothing to strive for, nothing, no goals or any kind of ambitions. I’m just out of time, out of energy, out of reasons. They can haunt me till my very last breath but after that they won’t be able to get anywhere near me. Only a few hours left…
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I keep waking up at about 3 with nightmares, but that’s been happening for so long I can’t remember exactly when it started. I also dreamed I was in some kind of weird infomercial but have already forgotten the details. Sorry this is happening to you. I do not know the answers to the questios you asked.
Your life can still have purpose and meaning.
We as human beings invent that, we create it ourselves…
You can still create your own sense of being, sense of worth…
What’s something you enjoy, something you’ve always wanted to do?
i enjoy writting, i love it, but even sitting down and going over my thoughts is to much, right away it leads to anxiety. something i’ve always wanted to do is, well go to europe, germany in particular. @ abiyobi it’s ok you don’t know the answers. i don’t think no one really does but it’s so frustrating.
Well, maybe a stupid question…
Why not go to Germany?
If you feel you can’t take anymore, and you’re going to kill yourself, and you’re already spending money for a hotel and stuff…
Why not spend some more, go to Germany, and see how you feel then?
And then, at least, you can say you got to do something and go somewhere in ife you really wanted to…?
(I still hope you don’t commit suicide, obviously, but still–why not have your day in Deustchland first? Don’t you deserve as much, at least? If you’re at the point of suicide, what have you got to lose?)
… well I’ve thought about that. Honestly, I don’t think it would work out to well and I don’t have a lot of money. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to just get a plane ticket, leave and never come back. Just… get lost in that country, start over kind of thing but I can’t run away like that. I don’t know if this is going to make sense but suicide is not just about ending things for me, but it’s the final act of contrition for the people I have wronged. I know that for some people suicide is in itself a way to run away.
Things for me are going to go to hell really soon and I won’t be able to fix them, I don’t want to be here when that happens. I’m being a coward I know. I’m so ashamed, my eyes water up and my heart sinks every time I think about it because I can’t fix it. I’m sorry. I wish that there was another way, but their isn’t. I don’t know I’m sorry.
Youve just explained how i feel. Ive let that many people down that i want to make myself go away so that might make them feel a little bit better. i dont want to be around when the next bad things happen and theres no going back. i cant even tell you everything is going to be ok because im not even sure myself. Atleast youve got germany to aim for. you should go.. that one last try that could make a difference. you dont have to go on a plane.. bagpackers do it with hardly any money so why cant you. I wish i had that one place in the world i would like to be.. well truth is i would like to be surrounded by people that were always going to be there, but in my circumstances that never going to be a possibility. But youve got that place and its possible.. dont end it tonight, spend the night awake looking for a way to get to germany. i just want to have that one moment of happiness before i go. it would make me happy to know youve fulfilled your dream.
You’re not being a coward, just because you ahve more than you can bear at the moment…
The fact that you acknowledge your difficulty and refuse to run from it, indeed, shows the opposite of cowardice, it shows a sense of duty and bravery.
Please–if you don’t mind, tell me about yourself, anything and everything you want to share…leave nothing back, if you will…
You know whatever you say, I will hope you won’t kill yourself, and that’ll be my stance…
And I know very well you might feel you would still do it, no matter what–and maybe that’s so, though, again, I hope not.
But at least let there be some record, some remembrance of your life here…let someone know and care…I want to know, I want to care.
Or, you can just talk about whatever…your favorite author, for instance (as you can tell from the name and my first post, I’m not suicidal, I’m just an English major who loves to talk to people…I talk to random folks on the bus to college all the time.) 🙂
Anything you like…
Sherlock Hamlet is it ok if i email you? it’s kind of a long story, i would understand if it’s too personal.
not at all:
kirkscottychekov@yahoo.com
as long ans as much as you want…
its “kirkscottychekov@yahoo.com”
Hopefully one of those two posted.