I am a 14 year old girl. I have Bipolar, Depression, and Insomnia. I have wanted to die for years now. Welcome to my life.
The first time I can remember thinking about it was about third grade. I was 8. I wasn’t the popular kid, I wasn’t even close to that. IÂ probably had one or two friends. I am a Wiccan, and when I tell people, I instantly become a target for rude comments. People have told me I am a freak Satan worshiper for that, but thing is, I don’t believe in Satan.
A few years ago, my aunt killed herself. She tried to OD, then jumped from the rooftop of a hospital. Last  year, my grandmother died of breast cancer after being in hospice care for months. She was so brave, and it makes me feel like a coward for what I did next.
Last year, the day after my birthday, my sister and I got into a fight. With all that I had been holding in, I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to overdose. About half an hour later, I realized what I was doing, and all that I would miss. I freaked out and told my mom. She got mad, and started to yell at me. She took me to the hospital, and  I had to speak to a social worker. They gave me something in my IV tube that made me puke out what I had taken. I promised them (them being everyone who knew) that I would never do that again. I lied.
A week after school started, that same year, I tried again.  The exact date was 24 August 2010. I was so stressed, that once again, one tiny fight made me do it. My entire family STILL doesn’t understand. They think that it was because of a phone. That was the least of my problems. When I tried to take the pills, it seemed difficult to swallow. The same thing happened. I freaked out and told my mom. Only, this time, The fight with her was worse. I remember her exact words “I should leave you. I am not going to take you.” It made me feel worse than I already did. She ended up taking me anyways. When they put me in a room, they had me talk to a RACIST SOCIAL WORKER. Because my last name is in Spanish, she kept trying to talk to me in Spanish, even though I told her multiple times that my preferred/first language was English. When she started to speak to me in English, she wouldn’t stop asking me about a boyfriend, even though I told her multiple times that I had never had a boyfriend (which was the truth) She kept saying things like “I won’t tell your parents” and “I know you have a boyfriend”. It was creepy. My parents ended up reporting her. They ended up sending me to a behavioral health place. Since we got there around midnight, I ended up going to sleep at around 3 or 4 am… I was in there for about 1 or 2 weeks. Ever since that, my family hasn’t treated me the same.
11 January 2011. I went to my counselor with my parents, I told her that I thought everyone would be better off without me. She sent me back to the behavioral health place again. That was when I was finally treated for my Bipolar. I was there 2-3 weeks. I got a lot better after that… for a while.
The lack of attendance at school caused me to fall behind, which caused me to get held back.
Now, one of my close friends got caught with drugs. I don’t know if I am mad because she was doing drugs, or because she didn’t tell me until now.
I Â ended up telling my best friend about the hospital trip. Only I lied and said it was because I cut (which is true). I don’t know why, but whenever I talk to him, i feel like someone actually cares about me. and I think I love him. Not middle-school crush, but love. I have never even believed in love until him. He is my best friend, and has been since the 5th grade. He was the on;y one who treated me the same after that. Like I wasn’t crazy. Well, now I no longer have a phone, and since we both moved to different schools, we can’t really talk. He isn’t allowed to have any accounts on social networking sites, so that is out of the question. I have now lost the only person I feel comfortable talking to.
My parents and family are constantly insulting me. Calling me ugly or gross. When I am not putting myself down, they are.
I know that someday, I will be able to work through this, but for now, only one question pops into my head: How much more can I take?
4 comments
I fully understand you. I am 14 too, and I am in a similar situation. It’s just that my parents do support me, but my friends don’t. And since my father found out he has cancer, my parents aren’t really there for me either. But I always think about the facts that my parents would be devastated if I would die. Your best friend, you don’t talk to him very often anymore, but I’m sure he thinks about you the whole time and he would suffer a lot if you would kill yourself. Try to set targets like I won’t cut myself till February or something. It helps when you achieve your targets. Just try it and one day you will succeed. It’s good that you realize one day it will all be alright, until then just do your best to cope with your problems.
Hello………it WILL get better as you get older, regarding the bipolar. I am a bit older than you, and I am truthful, it does. Suicide is not good, hurts everyone around you, and you being 14 you will NEVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVER get to know how wonderful your life WILL be, what you will achieve, who you will help, what career path you will choose. Your choices are ENDLESS. I understand your pain, I have been there more times than you can count. I found a site you may be interested in it is http://www.dailystrength.org it has a huge variety of groups you can join and people of all ages. Check it out. Please……..life is challenging, although you sound like you are very strong. Take good care of yourself, remember, if you believe in angels, they are ALWAYS with you protecting you…..so you DON’T die early. Jen
oh my…..wow…you are so strong and courageous….both of you…..just different methods….
i started cutting when i was 14…didn’t last long tho…didn’t want visible scars….didn’t want any attention…didn’t want people to think i was a freak….already felt like one….when i quit cutting i replaced the self-abuse with something alittle more socially acceptable….i married my tormentor…..and continued in that pattern of self-abuse for years, with many partners and abusers…sometimes i invited them in as friends….or family…..would purposely but unconsciously set myself up to suffer…..just to try to give some meaning to the pain….you know….at least i understand why i did it now….the physical pain gave rise to the emotional pain…i now had a reason to suffer…..took me 36 years to figure it out…..i’m rather a slow learner….just saying
now i am 50….have had 7NDE”S caused from various forms of suicide attempts…blah blah blah my favourite was when i was 15 and danced in the middle of a huge bonfire for 7 minutes before someone tried to save me….i was ecstatic….that’s what peaked my interest when you tell me you are Wiccan…good folks….seekers…..lovers….i have been one…..
now i understand the emotional pain more clearly….i have damaged myself physically on the journey….
my 15 year old daughter gave me some help when i contemplated suicide again previous to my most recent….this due to being overwhelmed by physical pain….would like to share it if you don’t mind
“Emotional pain on average lasts 12 minutes. Anything more than that is self-imposed.” Just saying…..
Either of you know anything about indigo, crystal or rainbow children?…. just curious
it was nice to hear you…thanks for letting me share too
Peace
Amakua
I think Bianca pretty much covers it. I have exactly the same problems as you which is kind of freaky except cutting and im a year older than you. Targets are very good to set it lets you move on. If there is a way to meet your friend then why not take it. You could try and save up for a phone, try to get to move schools. Also you can still have friends. You have to be a friend to have friends. As for being wiccan, well there are people in the world that are haters but you have to be strong and ignore them.
Take Care and Good Luck
Katex