I’m a roller coaster that won’t let me off. Sometimes I’m at the top of the world other days the world is smothering me. I’ve told my story to alot of people, i don’t really know why, maybe cause I love to talk. *shrugs*
1. Mother was a drug addict (never saw her doing any)
2. Was in foster care (but saw my parents and got to stay with my many siblings, five of us)
3. Molested and Anally raped twice by my own family (But I forgave them, I mean we were kids, they didn’t know any better)
-Think this contributes to my sexual issues. Lost my virginity at 17 3/4 LOL almost made it to my birthday. Gave it to the love of my life who unfortunately passed on and never knew I was in love with him. Since then I have accumulated about 28 sexual partners (only 20). Contracted chlamydia twice and might have been pregnant but plan B became one of my best friends. The 28 count does not include the guys I sucked off and didn’t have sex with. BUT I have been celibate for the past two months recently thanks to me learning how to say No. yay me! (And being a fuckn loner)
4. Â Obese (even though I have a pretty face)
-I’ve been plus size since the third grade, even though you try not to let it get to you there is no way of avoiding it. At this point I think it’s impossible to get small. Especially cause I’m just so damn lazy, so i got no excuse. Kind of kept me friendless for a long time, I thought cause I was fat I was ugly and kept to myself. Became a loner and to this day still kind of am. But that doesn’t really matter.
5. College
-I was blessed to be accepted into some top notch universities and you know what I do? I fuck up and have to leave and now I am back home. I plan to go back but it ain’t the same. Makes me feel pretty fucking stupid for fucking up a chance like that.
6. Jobless
I’m broke and according to my mother since I ain’t bringing in any income I’m pretty fucking useless.
I don’t even know what my point is in the post anymore I think I just needed to write. It probably doesn’t make any sense so my suicidal tendencies probably don’t even seem worth it but my mind begs to differ. I hate it though, Â going to bed and waking up EVERY damn morning thinking about killing myself. Wanting to jump out a window or hope someone goes on a random killing spree and takes me out. But I don’t do it. I just sit and simmer and slowly go mad. My mom doesn’t understand that, how fragile I really am. How her words fuck with me. All day every day I am a useless person in HER home, who has no money so therefore what good am I. She wants me to mold into this perfect lil robot child that becomes a doctor and has lots of money and is victoria secret model beautiful. Every since I’ve been home I’ve hated myself to the point where I’ve gone back to hitting myself. Not the slaps to the face but balled up fists blows to the head that make me dizzy. If i didn’t bite my nails so damn much i’d probably claw at my self and draw blood *shrugs*.
What keeps me going?
That I will get back on my feet. My niece who I love dearly. My best friend. But even then sometimes it’s not enough. I don’t have the worst story or have the worst life but i have some of the worst thoughts. And they are telling me to do some dark things to myself. Just worried one day they will win.
4 comments
Sounds like the best thing you can do for yourself is get out of home. You’re never going to be able to achieve anything when you have your mother breathing down your neck and calling you useless all the time (trust me I know).
I’m glad you learnt how to say NO. You sound strong and gifted and talented, so I think you could do whatever you want. Just don’t listen to your mom when she’s being a nag.
U.U you have survived all of that…it means you’re a stronger person than me. You’re someone who’s at least 20 times stronger than me which means you have the ability to pick yourself up fromthe ashesh and turn things around. As someone that once cared deeply about me said…put all your effort into it….give it all you got. I’m sorry….sorry for everything you’ve been through..I’m glad you are strong enough to forgive them. Live through this and you won’t look back.
Hey Cherry,
As a guy, the best part of your new thought is learning to say no. Well done! Sadly ‘some’ guys when they are young (and some older) don’t respect themselves and so won’t respect girls either.
Whats important is you start to change your life around rather then living in the past.
You seem pretty intelligent and self aware to me, so perhaps start thinking about some kind of career/job you might like doing and starts to get you some income. This is important.
Secondly, being overweight is kinda common today so you’re not alone, but the real question is what are you going to do about it?
You needn’t have to pay for gyms/trainers etc, just start eating healthier 3 meals a day and cut sugary stuffs out of your diet (thats the worst) and just take gentle walks around nice places everyday, even if you have to catch a train to somewhere and then walk around, be it town/city/nice parkland/beaches etc.
Make your journey a “walking one”. I know you can do that, and the cost is next to nothing. Better eating and gentle walking are the best ways to start progressing in the right direction.
You seem pretty smart, so I know you can do that.
Stay positive & strong…and well.
Take Care Miss.
I’m sorry but number 3 on this list just is so shocking…but at the same time…It’s not… :/