Things are going to Hell really fast. I’m running out of time and this house of cards is about to fall. Everything is so unstable, wrong and unbearable. People are dying, getting killed, going to jail and that isn’t even the end of it. I wish I was as strong like the people around me, after some family members died they just picked up the pieces and moved on… It would be sad to say that it took a tragedy to bring a family together, but maybe then they would start cherishing and appreciate each other, but it is even sadder to say that two tragedies have only drifted us even further apart.  There is something wrong with all of us, but at least I have the fucking nerve to admit it. It’s not my place to judge them at all but some things that they have done, to me, have affected me in a big way.
I’m not throwing around blame either. I know that there a lot of things that I have done wrong but I feel like a goddam ticking time bomb and I can’t stop the countdown!! Does that make sense? It feels like all the depression, the anxiety, all the panic attacks, all the tears is filtering out but only turning into anger. The anger terrifies me, not because I want to hurt someone else, but because it gives me enough edge, the edge I’ve been waiting for, the kind that would let me take that extra step and finally end it. I’ve always been so content with just hurting myself.
FUCK!!!!
Speaking of, I only have one cigarette left, menthol. I don’t want to die. I don’t. I’ve been thinking of just running away. Maybe I could sell my laptop and some other things, get enough money to buy a ticket, leave and go somewhere else, get lost where no one knows me and start over. Do you think people can start over? Do you think people like me deserve a second chance? It makes me a coward, doesn’t it, just running away like that? I don’t think it works like that, it never does, and the past always catches up with you, no matter how deep you buried it. Fuck…
I’m going to keep applying at some jobs and smoke that cigarette. Thanks for listening.
K-
2 comments
Don’t give up friend! Many people including myself have felt these feelings after people have passed or things aren’t going out way (Panic attacks, depression etc.) BUT it will pass, some people take a week to get over things some take a year or two! I’ve thought from running away, it may give you relief short term, but in the long run it won’t do you any good, in fact things will get worse as they are playing on your conscious. My advice (if you want to hear it) is too list the problems you have and then face them head on.. when you write things down on paper sometimes your mind will automatically solve the problem (it may seem the problem is smaller than first thought etc.) nevertheless the others you should face head on and find a solution, good or bad, then your mind will be at ease. Hope this may help.
M
Liquidating all my stuff, buying a bus ticket, jumping into the unknown and meeting a bunch of new people in new towns was probably the best and most important thing I ever did with my life. my past, my shadow, and the problems I’ve always had and always will did catch up with me, but by the time it did I had some help I needed to grow through alot of the shit that I couldn’t have if I had never left- not to say it’s over now but I have a different perspective than I used to. I don’t think it makes you a coward, I think it makes you brave- a coward would sit there and do nothing, settle for the misery thats familiar, thinking they diserve whatever comes to them and nestling deep in the justification that they’re too incompetant to change anything when more unhappiness comes to them.. anger is good, its sadness with motivation; it sounds like you’re almost pissed off enough to change something.