About two months ago I was at my end. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD after seeking therapy for my thoughts of suicide. I’m 25 years old and I’ve been through so much. My therapist have almost cried when they hear my story. It’s terrible and I will not get into it too much.
I was in a horrible relationship and he kept pushing me till I was on my bathroom floor crying. I couldn’t take the pain anymore and I have been saying for years that I will commit suicide. Finally after two days of taking pills to numb my pain I made the choice to keep eating them. I ate five. Then ten minutes later I ate five or six more. Then I ate two or three other kinds and I laid down in my bed. My ex came home and he was saying the usual annoying and degrading things to me. I started to black out. Soon I would end up in my car. I remember being dropped on the ground as my ex tried throwing me in my backseat. Then I remember which seemed to be ten minutes but in reality it was more like a split second.
I was fading in and out and I think I opened my eyes for a second but everything was in slow motion. Then everything was still and a voice in my head asked if I wanted to stay or let go. I replied in my head I want to let go. Right then I saw the oxygen mask cover my face and that was it.
I woke up and I had all these tubes hooked up to me. My hands were tried down, apparently I was unconscious but fighting the nurses and doctors off me. I was so scared, I did not know what happened. I thought I did something wrong. I faded out again, they must have gave me a sedative. I woke up to someone saying “keep breathing” and i would breath in. Finally they took the tube out of me.
I was admitted in a psychiatric ward for three days, but it didn’t help and I wanted to go. I lied to the therapist and told them what they wanted to hear, I just wanted to go home. I got home to the same shitty situation.
Since then I made a lot of changes and I feel as if I am relieved knowing that I finally did what I kept saying. I was over it, but I am confused. I was clinically dead for one minute. I did not see god or a angel. Science saved my life, not god. I am mad about that. I really wanted to die and I still think I should have. I’m not going to try it again, but I wish I could have just died. I’m not enlightened or happier. Just more fucked. I now have hospital bills I will never be able to pay.
5 comments
Good Morning SarahMack,
Don’t want to piss you off….but….I think you did meet God….you just didn’t know what you were looking for….and God answered your question….you are here aren’t you?….and i’ll guarantee there is a reason for it…..
Myself i have attempted 7 times, had 7 NDE’s and know God personally….now before you start screaming….ohfuck….i got a Jesus freak first comment….here comes the preaching…lmao….I am not a Christian…relax…lol….here to share not preach….although i have a sermon ready if you want it…lol…
Stick around….would like to hear more….maybe share some….let me know…will be in and out all day…
Namaste
Amakua
I hope your changes include getting out of that relationship. And kudos to you for now being that much closer to finding out who you are.
As for the religious angle… I don’t believe. We are just animals, like dogs, cats, birds…except we are smarter. Religion was created a long time ago to give people hope when there was none. It is still used for that very same reason today.
After death, there is nothing….no god, no heaven, no nothing. Eons of time continue as if you were never there in the first place.
It’s up to you if you will leave a mark in history or not.
Wow been there done that it was as you say bloody awful so what now?can you get out of that bad relationship hope you find some answers we are here to listen …
“Since then I made a lot of changes and I feel as if I am relieved knowing that I finally did what I kept saying”.
I like this. Keep going i say. Some men are pigs and worse. Don’t let bad people poison you. You’re better then that.
Stay strong.
I appreciate those who commented. I was wondering if anyone would. I have got out of the relationship I was in but I’m still dealing with everything he has done to me, what he has done still causes problems with my life today. He has deceived me, took $20,000 dollars cash I had saved. I lost my job and now I’m totally screwed. I don’t know what to do and everyday a piece of me still wants to give up and kill myself again. I want to be done with all this pain, I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I have nothing. I have taken care of myself my whole life and I just want some help. I have worked so hard and I have even sold my body to be able to keep a roof over my head. I never admitted that, but it’s true. This guy took all the money I saved and left me.