Why Did I Survive?

About two months ago I was at my end. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD after seeking therapy for my thoughts of suicide. I’m 25 years old and I’ve been through so much. My therapist have almost cried when they hear my story. It’s terrible and I will not get into it too much.

I was in a horrible relationship and he kept pushing me till I was on my bathroom floor crying. I couldn’t take the pain anymore and I have been saying for years that I will commit suicide. Finally after two days of taking pills to numb my pain I made the choice to keep eating them. I ate five. Then ten minutes later I ate five or six more. Then I ate two or three other kinds and I laid down in my bed. My ex came home and he was saying the usual annoying and degrading things to me. I started to black out. Soon I would end up in my car. I remember being dropped on the ground as my ex tried throwing me in my backseat. Then I remember which seemed to be ten minutes but in reality it was more like a split second.

I was fading in and out and I think I opened my eyes for a second but everything was in slow motion. Then everything was still and a voice in my head asked if I wanted to stay or let go. I replied in my head I want to let go. Right then I saw the oxygen mask cover my face and that was it.

I woke up and I had all these tubes hooked up to me. My hands were tried down, apparently I was unconscious but fighting the nurses and doctors off me. I was so scared, I did not know what happened. I thought I did something wrong. I faded out again, they must have gave me a sedative. I woke up to someone saying “keep breathing” and i would breath in. Finally they took the tube out of me.

I was admitted in a psychiatric ward for three days, but it didn’t help and I wanted to go. I lied to the therapist and told them what they wanted to hear, I just wanted to go home. I got home to the same shitty situation.

Since then I made a lot of changes and I feel as if I am relieved knowing that I finally did what I kept saying. I was over it, but I am confused. I was clinically dead for one minute. I did not see god or a angel. Science saved my life, not god. I am mad about that. I really wanted to die and I still think I should have. I’m not going to try it again, but I wish I could have just died. I’m not enlightened or happier. Just more fucked. I now have hospital bills I will never be able to pay.