ramblings of a 13 year old atelophobic.

I know there is people who have it worse than me, which makes me feel guilty about the way I look at my own life.

I love my life, really. I have an amazing boyfriend, amazing friends, amazing family; I have everything I’ve ever wanted, but somehow I still manage to let everything get the best of me.

You’d never guess that I’m unhappy if you saw me. To you, it would look like I’m the happiest girl in the world. I always smile and laugh, but really inside, i’m hurting.

I have this thing called atelophobia. It’s an extreme fear of imperfection, and never being good enough. I know, you’re probably thinking “psh, well everyone has that.” but really.. no. not everybody has it. But, you’d never guess that i have it.

This stupid fear, atelophobia, it’s a serious thing. And it’s eating me alive. It’s caused me to try committing suicide… 3 times. But it’s not that I even want to be dead, really. I always felt like I just wanted to die, but in reality… I wanted to be saved.

I don’t like to tell people these things, for fear of judgement and rejection. I used to just depend on myself, it was less hurt, and I felt like i was really the only one who understood me.

I’ve told my boyfriend everything, and the amazing thing is, he still loves me. No judgement, no rejection. He really understands me, he saved my life. I thank God everyday for putting such an amazing person in my life.

Things are getting better now, I’m becoming more of the person I want to be. I’ve taken control of my stress, anxiety, and the atelophobia I let run my life for so long. All of those things are still there, but they”re just not as bad anymore. I’ve learned to look at all the good things in life, and be more positive. I don’t let people bring me down anymore, and I’m living my life how I want.

I finally feel like I’m gonna go somewhere in life, and I’m gonna do sonething great. And no matter where this crazy life takes me, I’ll always have a smile on my face. (=