Guilty

I feel guilty about so many things…

I feel guilty because, even though I’m a horrible actress, I seem to have perfected the ‘art’ of pretending to be okay.

I feel guilty because my parents have had to waste so much money on me. Whether it was for therapy, or surgeries, or just fixing things I’ve messed up.

I feel guilty about lying to my friends and telling them “I’m fine”.

I feel guilty for putting my family anf friends through so much pain because I’m just to weak too fix myself.

I feel guilty because after my most recent attempt, I was laying in a hospital, barely lucid, with my sister holding my and, with tears in her eyes, and she asked me if she was a bad sister.  She thought it was her fault…

I feel guilty because the few times I’ve ever opened up and let someone know that I am suicidal, I feel like I am burdening them with my own problems when they surely have enough of their own.

I feel guilty because I try to give advice and support to people, when I can’t even manage to take my own advice.

I feel guilty because I am a hypocrite.

I feel guilty because I try to help people, but I know I’ll never be able to do enough.

I feel guilty because I should be intelligent enough to figure these things out on my own.

I feel guilty because I’ve given up… on so may things… including life.

I feel guilty because I get angry at my parents, yell at them even, for asking me to do completely reasonable things.

I feel guilty because I don’t appreciate everything God has given me.

But most of all, I feel guilty that I’m depressed. I have a good life. I’ve got good parents. I live in a fairly wealthy town, and I went to a top-notch school. Our family is well off. I have no past traumas that explain why I am the way I am. There are so many other people in the world, people on this site, that have so many reaons to be depressed. People who have suffered abuse, sexual assault, poverty, homelessness. What right do I have to hate my life?