I hate being alive. I’ve been thinking about suicide for most of my life. I’m 44, with two young children. Leaving them would be my only regret… But I think they’d get along better.
I just hate being here, there’s no point. I have no friends, no family. I can’t connect to people, never have. I was brought up sad and alone, and I’ve never been able to change it. Tried therapy and meds. Was on anti-deppressants over 10 years. I’ve got no one to talk to. Anyway, if I did I’d just hear how I should think of other people, that my release would be awful for them. Easy for them to say, then move on to their next conversation. Leaving me feeling worse than before.
I’m filled with so much sadness and loneliness, and nothing ever changes. No matter what I do in my life, it adds up to nothing. Every day I pray I’ll die, and I hope one day to find the means.
I hate life, and I hate seeing others so connected and happy, with meaning in their lives, because those things have evaded me. Please, please let me end this horrible existence. Life is no gift.
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your children will miss you terribly– they wouldn’t get along better.
I’m no role model for them. They are young enough that they would forget me easily.
But they would be told of you and they would wonder for the rest of their lives why they weren’t enough – why you didn’t love them enough to stay or if they did something wrong to make you not love them. Children always blame themselves.
No one deserves to die. There are millions of other people out there that feel the same way as you. I think a mutual struggle like that can form amazing connections between people.
If it were a mutual struggle it’d be better. But that’s the problem… I’m forever alone.
But thanks everyone. Maybe I’ll keep reading this site.
I have come to the conclusion that life is pain and pain is life. Some are able to avoid it for a while, but it catches up to everyone eventually. I’ve also come to learn that it’s not personal, it’s just the way things are and there is nothing we can do about it. We can try to ignore it, like many people are able to do because they are able to distract themselves with money, drugs, etc. I don’t have those distractions.
At any rate, I am here if you need someone to talk to denise, even if it’s just sharing the pain without worrying about being judged. blusapphire1989 at yahoo dot com.
Denise,
I do hope you find a way to connect with someone.
Because it is quite possible your children will find out and that may cause them issues.
They know you and will never forget their mother.
Memories might fade a bit but that bond is one of the strongest.
If you want to go ahead you might want to do a closed adoption.
That way your records get sealed and it might lessen the eventual pain.
And give them a foundation that is just as solid so they can cope.
I am sure they would prefer you though.
And that is the most practical thing.