Online blogging, midnight sobbing. Fears, tears steer it away from me. Catching the last glimpse of sunlight should be an excitement to see the stars. I feel comfort in the fact that I can sleep, unconciously surviving in a world unknown. My brain sends signals. Some don’t make sense. Actually none. Losing cognitive balance. I can’t even write a goddamn poem. Because all I can think of is taking the bottle of pills left beside me. DO I CARE IF I DIE? Isn’t there nothing after this life anyway? These pills are the pills that make me not care. They make me calm down relax and not worry about the panic. My heart pounding out of my chest and my palms going cold. Everything in my body and outside of me feels like I am dying. That’s about the only time I don’t want to die. The only time I want to fight it. I’m medicated, I’ve been to a mental hospital! I’m going to therapy once a week for 2 hour sessions? When will it be okay, WHEN WILL I NOT HAVE THE DESIRE TO DIE???????????
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I DON’T KNOW.
But I do know that you will be better someday. Where there are storms, there is beauty afterwards. It takes a while – months melting into years, you have to survive day by day until time is collecting like building blocks. I’m not making any sense, I know. But I have been there, and it is three hours from my sixteenth birthday and I am thinking of killing myself, but I won’t because even though it doesn’t seem like it:
there
is
hope.
Please, don’t kill yourself.
On an unrelated note, I can tell you write poetry from the way you write – it’s almost lyrical. I like it.
No one should kill themselves. It’s selfish. I agree with your comment that there is hope. But it’s just storm after storm then a fucking tornado and silence. I’m scared of my future or my lack of sufficient future.
I want to find the hope somewhere in my brain that keeps me from killing myself and tattoo it to my arm.
Let me know if you find it. I would craft it into a headband, or perhaps a bowler hat, and carry it with me everywhere.
If you need to talk further or whatever, my email’s behindglassdoors@hotmail.de. Feel free to IM me too.