Hello

I wont ever commit suicide but i think about it a lot. I am a 42 y/o gay man and i feel all alone. I am the youngest of a family of five
And i was born late into my family. My oldest brother was murdered when i was four and it tore my family apart. I lost my dad to cancer when i was 12 and my mom when i was 32. The only family i have is my sister her two kids. My sister and oldest niece has nothing to do with me. My youngest niece is the only one who is involved in my life. I made bad choices in relationships and the last one is the, the last one. Im 42
And feel like i am dead. I dont have a life and i just stay at home. I basically have given up and just go through the motions. I decided to not have anything to do with them anymore. If i see them its because i go to them. They do nothing for me and i use to do a lot for them. I wonder why was i ever born if my existence is not wanted. Just here in my bed for a week and a half now not bathing or going out. Just feel dead inside.