I’ve started this post and deleted multiple times since I first logged in. Because the truth is I read the description for schizoid personality disorder but I haven’t been diagnosed, and if I do have it, I probably won’t be diagnosed because there is no way I’m going to talk to someone about this. And no one will probably guess I feel this way because of the way I act. Nearly all the time around other people I can smile, joke, and get along just fine. I don’t feel anxious talking to people and can communicate fine, about things that don’t matter. Work, school, the weather, jokes, what do I care if we talk about things like that? They are easy to relate to, bring up the topic and I’m good. But feelings, personal plans, thoughts that I care about? Those are walled up and no one gets them. I clam up if someone brings them up and do my best to change the subject or just nod my head in agreement about what they’re saying.
The description reads, “a pervasive pattern of detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings.” Which kinda fits. I do not get angry, and if I do its over something inconsequential that after thinking about it for a little while I’ll get over and default to normal quite quickly. I hang out with people outside of work and school probably once or twice a month, and I am almost never the one to initiate it. They show up at my door or call me saying they miss me and I go along for the ride. I do end up enjoying myself for a bit, but if I’m out of the house for too long I withdraw and get “angsty” as they call me. If I’m ever hanging out with a large group of people, I wait until no one is paying attention and then slip away to be alone for a bit and psych myself back up to deal with them. Because I don’t feel anxious talking, but people do make me anxious. I get claustrophobic in crowds very easily. If I’m surrounded, I start to stress and even get a little afraid until I sneak off.
A big part of the description that rings true to me is the introversion, “By the very meaning of the term the schizoid is described as cut off from the world of outer reality in an emotional sense. All this libidinal desire and striving is directed inward toward internal objects and he lives an intense inner life often revealed in an astonishing wealth and richness of fantasy and imaginative life whenever that becomes accessible to observation.” I get caught up in introspection a lot. I will over-analyze everything I do and constantly yell at myself for screwing up, that I know I can do better. I spend a lot of my thinking time about things that could happen one day. I have some fantasies, mostly of being rich and not having to work anymore, but I know they are not likely to happen. But the largest part is about things that could happen with other people. I practice conversations in my head all the time. It really helps to talk to other people if I’m prepared for something they’re likely to say. And it works for me, the conversations I actually have with the people I practiced in my head don’t always fit, but having practiced it, I know what I’m going to say and can change it up for the actual conversation with a smaller effort than it would have taken to respond to an unpracticed conversation.
Another part of the description is a feeling of superiority, which I hate. But even the description fits well, that “”a sense of superiority naturally goes with self-sufficiency. One has no need of other people, they can be dispensed with…Â It is a feeling of being vertically displaced, rather than horizontally at a distance.” That I do feel superior to people every now and then, though I always berate myself for a time afterwards for thinking it because I know I am not superior even if I think it at the time, but its mostly in the things that other people seem to need that I don’t. I feel the tiniest bit superior whenever someone talks about their latest relationship disaster, their caffeine addiction, the want to get drunk/high, their need to get a boy/girlfriend soon, about how they feel about not being invited to a party, how they couldn’t get the latest phone/computer/game, or about how they feel awful for not talking to someone for a while, etc. I feel awful for thinking it, but I do. Because they’re all things I can do without quite easily. The battery on my phone died three weeks ago and I left it at home. I still haven’t charged it. I don’t feel the need to carry it with me, I had only been getting invitations from friends I’d been ignoring so I just stopped using the phone. Its a six year old flip phone, and every time someone talks about their newest smart phone or their insane bill, I feel just a bit superior that I get by with my old phone just as well as they do. And now, with no phone at all.
And the final part that I can talk about that really rings true is the self-sufficiency with, “The more that schizoids can rely on themselves, the less they have to rely on other people and so expose themselves to the potential dangers and anxieties associated with that reliance.” And I hate relying on other people or asking for help. They don’t owe me anything, and I feel awful for inconveniencing someone else. Its the reason I’ve been paying all of my bills since I turned 18, the reason I haven’t applied for financial aid (I get by well enough without it), the reason my bosses like me (I do plenty of extra work to make sure I can finish everything), the reason I can’t let someone buy me a meal or a present without a fight (or at least I just walk away and pay for it myself before they know what I’m doing). I aim for self-sufficiency. Its one of the few goals I actually keep up with, because if I can’t rely on myself then what happens when someone I do rely on asks for something I can’t do or I find I can’t deal with them anymore?
I guess the point is, does anyone else get this way? I just wanted to finally say this somewhere and who knows… maybe it will help.
8 comments
Hi Jakeke,
Firstly, I wanna affirm you that there are people who experience what you have described and live life functionally. And though I only did a cursory glance through your post, I must say that things you are an independent, reflexive and sensible person.
Secondly, I urge you not to label yourself with psychological terms. Honestly, I think psychology as a form of medicine is crippling rather then helpful. A long time ago there was no such thing as psychosis – just “problems in life we learn to deal with”. Now that social scientists have labeled these as psychosis, people start to label themselves as though they have a disease – and this is a crippling mentality. In my opinion, everyone has a semblance of what is known as psychosis. The issue here is how we are going to respond to it. Are we going to say, “Oh yea, I’m bipolar and it’s a medical condition so too bad for me.”, or “I don’t care what you call this thing I’m going through, but I’m not going to let it cripple me.”
I find that you are getting along normally. Yes, you experience dissonances, but I encourage you to (instead of trying to get a diagnosis) figure out how you can overcome these problems. Life is a learning process.
Lastly, I cannot resist just sharing my personal experience. I was diagnose manic depressed and bipolar – and the worse period of my life was when I dwelled on my “sickness”. I feel much better now that I’ve consciously put that out my my mind and consciously make my life more enjoyable. I want to enjoy life. That said, things aren’t a bed of roses for me now, but it is much better than the darker days that I constantly choose to put behind me.
If you’re looking to be a perfectly normal person, I’m telling you that there is no such thing. Everyone is different and there is thus no definition of normal. As long as you can function and enjoy life, you’re good to go.
On a parting note, I also urge you to get to know God – be it going to church, trying to pray, reading online about God etc. Anything. I urge you to just try to get to know God.
@Lynette Without medical terms there is no medical progress. Regardless of whether or not your “religion” promotes science, certain psychological problems may be embedded in genes and should be subject to diagnosis.
Putting a label on things makes them identifiable not insurmountable; take “depression” from example- its like saying your’e unhappy. But in reality its much more than that, its not something you can beat and the lack of jargon certainly wouldn’t nullify its effects…….
@OP Personally I think you should embrace your condition rather than fight it- it’s the way you are.
lynette Your post would have been far more helpful if you hadn’t tried to preach at the end.
Reading about mental conditions can be tricky. Humans suffer from a mental bias where when you start reading about something that vaguely makes sense, it’s easy to become totally convinced. “Confirmation bias (also called confirmatory bias, myside bias or verification bias) is a tendency of people to favor information that confirms their beliefs or hypotheses.” If you’re looking for an explanation for something, it’s easy to believe the first explanation you find. Just like when people read their horoscopes, if they want it to mean something in regards to what’s been happening in their life lately, their mind will tell them it does.
If anything it just sounds like you suffer from a bit of social anxiety and a hesitation to open up to people. There are a lot of people who just don’t like the feeling of being in a crowd. And the way you described needing to walk away from people for a few minutes of alone time to psych yourself up and go rejoin the party is pretty much a classic description of what it’s like to be an introvert compared to being an extrovert. Extroverted people feed off the attention, noise, and activity of being around other people. Introverts actually find it draining, it takes energy to want to be around people and engage in conversations, and half way into the event you’re tired and want to go home before everyone else.
There’s nothing exactly wrong with being self-sufficient either, so many people go through life not being able to help themselves. But you could try to loosen up on that a bit. It’s enjoyable to accept help from people and to do favors for others. We’re all in this together, nothing wrong with asking for help, it doesn’t automatically turn you into a mooch or a parasite just to let someone else do something for you every once in a while.
I think you just need to find the right person who you will want to “let in” and talk about your thoughts and feelings.
Pot: I’m not looking for a discussion. Just sharing my opinion, and you can have your opinion on what I share too. Though I’m very tempted to offer a response to all that you mentioned, it is unhelpful and probably only feeds my own indignance. Having a “I have to have the last say” mentality is dangerous and harmful. So I affirm your opinion yours, but personally still disagree. God bless you. Pardon me if you are offended that I believe in God.
You don’t have a real problem, well not really. At least you can communicate and breeze through school and work life like it is no problem. Who cares if you don’t know yourself. That comes with time, and Getting to do other things with people, getting involved in groups and just trying to find activities you like.
I’m sure you like something, even if you don’t tell me, but i know it. Even if you just like listening to music, or traveling, or eating or sleeping, or breathing that is liking something.
At least you want to exist in this world. My problem is that i don’t i want to live, but because i am here i have to do the best i can. I can’t communicate with others well and when i try to express myself or talk to people sometimes they look at me like i’m really weird. Even when i have to present in school, for some reason people just laugh at me before i even speak. I guess i am quite amusing to them. i can’t help that i am emotionnal and i do not know how to handle situations when it comes to addressing alot of people in formal or even sometimes informal settings.
I also have low energy, dehydration, and breathing problems sometimes. Well i’m always low energy compared to most people. I also have insecurities about the way i look. i’m not really fat, but i am bigger than some people my size and my doctor wanted me to loose weight. I am currently around 145ish and i’m 5’3 and a black female. So i guess it’s not bad, but still. I wish i were prettier. I wish I didn’t have to live life following the rules somebody told me i have to follow. I am not motivated to have a job or money or a house or even my own health really. I just go with the flow because i am alive and i have too. I owe it to God to try my best, even in a world I don’t understand or feel welcomed in.
But anyway, Good luck to you! You are blessed. I love you! I know i typed that but it is coming from my spirit. It is coming from the God in me.
Sorry if you don’t believe in God.
Much Love and Peace!!
Tigerlily
it matches me too,, not all but some of them are describing my problem. i once had class with phychology and learned that one who knows that they have problem there th ehealing could be done. meaning the fact that you do know that you have some problem with you means you are not bad in condition. how about letting your mind flow not only to analysing your mind but other voluntery programmes like helping others? to keep your mental energy flow well through you and your surroungings. hope you be well! take care!
@Jakeke; As far as personality disorders go, there are many labels far worse than schizoid.
Schizoids feel alone in a crowd. They don’t form deep emotional bonds with others, relationships with others are usually based on familial ties, or shared common interests. Schizoids lack the desire to connect with others in the same way that a “hopeless romantic” might.
The feeling of superiority you mentioned comes from a realization of self sufficiency that others lack. It’s not that you honestly believe that you’re better, you’re just not as attached to the things that everbody else seems to consider so important. (Romantic relationships, other peoples opinions, discussing your emotions with others, etc).
That self sufficiency also enables you to live a life where you don’t have to ask other people for help. The only main downer here is the occasional loneliness that often accompanies people with Schizoid personality disorder. Spending Xmas, your birthday, New Years, etc. alone. If your goal really is to be entirely self sufficient, you’ll find yourself alone more often than not. For the most part this doesn’t bother a Schizoid too much; it’s only occasionally when you’re overwhelmed by a profound sense of loneliness.
I don’t know how old you are, or what your long term goals may be. But schizoids can find some measure of happiness in life by focusing on achieving goals that are relevant to them personally. Goals like making money, pursuing an advanced degree, or finding a career where you’re able to work in realtive solitude. If you become a truck driver, park ranger, writer, researcher, etc, you wouldn’t have to interact with too many other people. And when you do deal with them, the focus of conversation will be on business, you won’t have to discuss anything that is personal to you.
If you are truly Schizoid, you can find happiness in this lifetime, but it will not come by living a life that makes the majority of the population happy. Getting married, having kids, keeping up with the Jones’, etc. Your path will be non traditional, but that’s perfectly fine.
I wish you the best.
So… thanks guys. I do feel a little better, though I’m probably less likely to talk about this again because of the fact that I’m not sure if I have it and I really don’t want to be that guy who thinks he has problems he doesn’t. Its pretty much the reason I deleted this a few times before actually writing. I try to avoid labels, but they’re just so easy to fall under sometimes.
Right now I’m thinking I can identify with a good part of the diagnosis, but I think that just be more of how I deal rather than being a disorder. And even if I am, the only treatment I could find is to want to change and talk about it. Both things I don’t really want to do. Sometimes I do feel lonely or stupid or like a selfish jerk and I kick myself over it. But other times I do like who I am. My anti-socialocity, fear of asking for help, wary of technology and all. Sometimes I don’t mind it, its a part of me.
I’ll just have to try harder to remember that.
And Pot, its okay. I don’t mind the not forced down my throat religious advice. I guess the best fit for me right now is agnostic, but I prefer saying that I just haven’t found a religion I believe enough in to follow. Maybe one day, maybe not. There’s just a lot of things about religion I don’t like right now. So I don’t follow one.