My life isn’t hard. In fact, it’s pretty easy. Top school. Top university. Loving parents. Amazing friends. But having pushed through devastating bouts of M.E. and having been plagued by depression since I can remember, this time, I can’t seem to do anything but cry. Loneliness and hopelessness pervades my every thought. All I can think about is pain. My head hurts constantly. I feel sick constantly. The panic and fear never leave my body. I am stuck, watching life go by, while I’m paralysed. I can’t move. Not forward. Not productively. Exhaustion never goes away. Apathetically, I watch the world. Unmoving. Even though I’d do anything to move. Anything to remove the block that prevents my every positive action.
I take a flame to my arm, and all I can think about is taking a knife to my wrists. Ending the sadness. Ending the loneliness. Ending the unnameable fear. I try my best to ignore it. I ring my friend, whom I hate to disturb with my stupid thoughts. But I know that without that lifeline, I would find that knife. I’d do something other than draw red lines in Sharpie felt pen where I wish I had the courage to drag a blade. I don’t know why. All I know is that the pain I have in my head is getting too hard to cope with. I’ve got a psychiatrist. I’ve got a therapist. And yet, all I can do is feel worse. I talk things through, get them straight in my head, lose myself in company. And then I’m back on my own, back in the dark, feeling like nothing’s changed. Drowning.
I don’t know if I can bear to hurt the people I love. But I don’t know if I can bear the screaming in my head for much longer. I don’t know if I can carry the burden of these terrors much further. I don’t know if my nerve, my control, will hold out; if I’m strong enough to keep going, not for my own sake, but for theirs.
I just don’t know.
In some ways, that’s what hurts the most.
4 comments
I suggest you take a step back and really look at what you have instead of what u don’t have. You are very lucky that u have friends and family that love and support u. Most of us don’t have that and feel like noone cares or wants us around. U have what seems like a great life but you are lacking the self confience to believe in yourself and what u have good in your life. Work on yourself, try to find all the positive things u about yourself, and keep telling yourself that u are lucky to have a full and rewarding life. Sometimes u come across an issue or situation in life that my have given u trama and that my have lead u to feel what u are feeling. Talk to someone and find out what has caused this feeling, sometimes the realization of how it started actually helps u grieve whatever the problem may have been. Grieving over what ever it is will help u let go and you will find peace and hope again. Push forward is what I’m learning, let go of all the feeling of loneliness and the hatred u feel. It will help. I find that u have a full life to lead u just got off track is all. U have a lot of conmpassion u just need to find the real u. Good luck to u
Talk to God. God is the light in the dark. Yeah, I know, I probably sound like some freakish all God Jehovah Witness person. But if you really feel like you’re that gone, go to church, do something you enjoy. If you need to, let go of everything. Take a vacation, drop out of school for a while. Get away from it all. But don’t give up. Be strong for other, and more important, yourself. Take advice from a fifteen year old. Take advice from The Savior.
I just read my life story, felt by someone else. I don’t know how you feel about religion, but I’ll pray for you, and hope you find help in life. I know exactly how you feel, so your pain is mine. I’ll pray that you never find the razor.
XoXo.
~S.K.
look, you have it good. i know how you feel. depression is a sickness. you need some medicine. things can get better for you. Don’t EVER start cutting, i used to feel this, now i DO cut, its horrible. i feel sick and stupid for doing it, but now i cant help it any longer. things hurt, every time i get a sad feeling,i use my razor. its gotten to the point where i wont even leave my house without one close by, at chool-i hide it in my shoe. things dont need to get that bad for you. it doesn’t help. trust me. you need help, im here.