Always awake

hey people. i just wanna share something with yal. I have experienced depression and suicidal thoughts since i was little. i am 18 years old now. i have battled it and beat it, and i also have battled it and lost to it. i have attempted 2 times in my life. i woke up this morning thinking about putting my dads pistol down my throat and blowing my head off. i then prayed to my God and went on about my day. my depression usually comes from doing things that are wrong to me, and that i consciously think is wrong. i masturbated 2 nights ago, then didnt eat until the next night because of the after feeling of my action. i stayed in my room all day. then today, waking up to suicidal thoughts. i prayed and went on to eat with my parents and hang out with my family. I now do not have that sense of death in me, nor the sense of failure in my self image. I am a believer in Christ and every time i put my trust in Him i no longer have as many issues. i begin to heal. now i grew up in the average american home, dad an alcoholic, brother a drug addict. mother with a low self esteem, other brother he blind sights it all. me being the youngest, the confused one. i didnt have much of a dad growing up. and i hear stories like this across the board, many being horror stories. But the point i am trying to get at, is LOVE. love helps a lot. the gospels help a lot. family helps a lot. i have learned to love others rather than seeking to be loved by others. it takes time, and it is a process. but if you have hope, and faith, you will persevere.