I posted a few days ago about my death day being June 1st…well, I think it’s time now. I’m ready. No regrets. (For any of those who read my post earlier, this does not have much to do with that.)
Hopefully, this will be my last post forever. I would just like to tell everyone here “Goodbyeâ€. I know that people post way too many suicide notes here each day, and they all start to blend together after a while.
I would like someone, even if it’s only a few people, to know that this was not a decision made in haste, like so many other teen suicides (or suicide attempts) are. I have been researching and planning my death for months because, after significant reflection and analysis, I truly believe that I am not meant for this world. In the last phases of my research, I found and joined the community here.
SP made me question my entire life and my purpose; it made me ask myself all the hard questions again, because I see everyone here, all of you have gone through so much more hardship than I could ever imagine, and yet you still want to live. You still want to persevere. That is truly something magical; it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever been honored to bear witness to. You are the ones that deserve life more than anyone else. But even though SP opened my eyes, I still want to die. I am glad that I found this place though, it has made me more certain of myself and more at peace than ever before. That is a priceless gift. I think that if I had found this place a few years earlier, it could have saved me, which means it’s probably saving so many others like me right now. That is meaningful – that is pure goodness. I would just like to thank you all, one last time. You never knew how much you gave me.
So I would like to leave you with a few quotes. This first is one of the many passages I believe that Charlotte Bronte might have traveled through time and space to pluck out of my head and write down:
“I am very happy, Jane; and when you hear that I am dead, you must be sure and not grieve: there is nothing to grieve about. We all must die one day…my mind is at rest. I leave no one to regret me much…By dying young, I shall escape great sufferings. I had not qualities or talents to make my way very well in the world: I should have been continually at fault.â€
– Helen Burns, Jane Eyre
The next one is a quote I have carried close to my heart for some years now. It has seen me through so much in my short life; it has gotten me through things I thought would destroy me forever. It is only by these words that I have lived as long as I have, and I hope that it helps you all as well:
“Simply to endure is to triumph.â€
– Sold
It is small, but powerful (in my opinion). So for all of you who feel that each day is a struggle, that every second is unbearable, remember that you are triumphant. You are surviving – that is the most powerful kind of victory.
Once again, thank you, thank you all for everything. Here is my last poem:
Under the torture
And the weak façade
I can sometimes find this deep serenity
When I contemplate the end
I understand for a few brief moments
Why I must go
Why this life is miserable
Why I am utterly alone
I look back and see
Not that this life was stolen from me
Or that it has been unjust
Simply that I have lived
I was given my years of love
My years of innocence
I did great things
But now that is over
And I can ask no more of the universe
I have no right to more than my share
Of love and happiness
Death is all that awaits me now
The peace that accompanies this knowledge
Seems to fill the holes
That comprise my being
I am tired of pretending to be alive
I am prepared to move on
To become nothing
To let go of this brief reality
And dissipate into obscurity
You can’t burn a candle
That has no wick
Infinity is an illusion
Forever never existed
My day has darkened
My song has ended
Goodbye! Wish me luck!
If I fail, I will let you all know.
13 comments
hey
can i email you real quick ?
please dont do it if you a teen i am older than u and would do anything to be young again u hav so many happy days in front of u emaill me or be friends on facebook jessew1050@yahoo.com or jesse wallis
Life really is worth so much more than this. Think of all the people who will miss you. If you say none that’s not true. Fate has plans for you if they meant fr you to die you would be killed in some freak accident by now. Think of all the people who die each day, or children fighting cancer. You wanting to die while they struggle to survive every day, to preserve every moment is just horrible. You may not realize this but everyone at your school will think about what they could have done to save you. The sad part is that if you die now all you’ll ever be is a sad tragedy. If you leave life now, have you told everyone what you want them to know?
I suppose I am left rather speechless, as usual from your posts.
I’ll attempt not to grieve, but that’ll be difficult. I wish you had found SP or some other place that could have come to your rescue earlier, it’s a sad thing indeed… I wish you still had some hope for this life, to continue on – because you are quite triumphant, I do say. I’m sorry to see your life is being cut short, I don’t think you had your fair share of love and happiness as you think you did. It never ceases to amaze me the power and meaning you put into your words, really and truly.
…It’s hard not to grieve when the world loses a person, especially one like you. I wish I or somebody else could reveal some fact or truth or something to keep you here. I know it is your choice, and I’ll respect that( especially due to this not being some rash decision ), so I hope you have some peace at least.
I cannot think of much more to say…I’m sorry. I’ll miss you and your words.
Please reconsider! I just happened to stumble on this website by accident when I seen your post. If you want to talk, please email me @ deltadawn73@sbcglobal.net
I won’t judge, just want to be a friend.
“True, I am young, but for souls nobly born valour doesn’t await the passing of years.”
— Pierre Corneille, writer of tragedies
I do believe that you’ve made your decision too hastily; despite what you say. I wish you had heeded the advice that I had given you earlier and waited a while; after all, if you’ve contemplated and planned this final dance for so long, what is a few more months?
Nevertheless, I do not begrudge you exercising the liberty to fall on your own sword; I respect your decision, and I hope others will do the same.
This post is beautiful. It’s earnest, well-written, and powerful. It resonates with me because if I do take my life in the future I would like to leave words of encouragement and appreciation.
Like you, I also don’t want to live. I can’t say I’ve struggled — I haven’t — because I have accepted it. I wish you the best and I hope you die peacefully.
I have one question before u do it. Cuz I know people and u are going to. And that’s your free will and your choice. But back to my question. If u were jesus in a modern day like today and God asked u son is life on this world worth saving. ( Being a realist ) would u say yes there’s hope for the human race ——-or there on a one way path. For self destruction over greed and $$ or you realy don’t belong here and there is more out there and it might not be god but a undescribable but a fEeling that we have to die for a greater good that’s a feeling ( with no evadence ). But a feeling based emotion we have to or were being called to a nother destany. Or time ???? Just a ??? I’d like to know ur feelings on this if u have time
dude i need to talk to you, i won’t try to change your mind but it’d be nice to talk to someone who knows how i feel, i too have thought about it for a long time, and i just know i am no meant for this world, i have never heard anyone explain it like you did and i really just need to talk to you, if i could id give you my phone number but no one hear knows about this site, and it must stay that way. I know lotsa ppl are trying to get you to email them ect but cmon talk to me. We have a lot in common and id like to pick your brain so to speak…. heidi_lynn_wilson@yahoo.com
DONT QUESTION IT JUST HIT ME UP
I sure hope that you are reading this subtle_bloodstains.
Okay, so you have decided to end it. That is a decision that I respect, and honestly think that everyone should.
However, what I see in this is the absence of fear of death. That in itself is a reason strong enough to be lived for. Let me tell you how.
A lot, I mean A LOT, of people in this world are born who want to live but cannot. This is due to war, hunger, starvation, disease etc and all that. That is a situation exactly converse to yours. With your absence of the fear you can take paths in your life otherwise considered fatal! You can devote yourself to extermination of poverty and hunger. You WILL face life threatening events. No doubt about that. You would not be scared of that now, would you? I surely would back out and am sure that 9 out of 10 people would do the same. Do you see where I am going here?
Children young as 10 get pushed into the sex trade.
Fight for them!
This world is filled with greedy, lecherous bastards I would love to straighten out but I do not have the heart nor the courage to do that.
Trust me, my friend, this is how the great were, are and will be made!
Also, hope I am not too late!
“I would like someone, even if it’s only a few people, to know that this was not a decision made in haste, like so many other teen suicides (or suicide attempts) are. I have been researching and planning my death for months because, after significant reflection and analysis, I truly believe that I am not meant for this world.”
I’m in the same boat
dating, money, inner peace, to be of service, ups, downs, wins, losses, to set goals etc. none of this matters anymore, it just doesn’t .. time for the ghost I’ve become to leave his 3D prison
Anon86 – you have completely missed the point. You see reason where others don’t, you undervalue their pain and you ask too much as a result. There is no greater suffering than that which stems from the mind and manifests in a desire to end one’s life. There is no “absence of fear of death” for those who seek an end; there is only suffering in life – suicide is an escape route. Death is escape.
To ask someone to persist for others’ sake is more selfish than suicide could ever be. To exploit their apathy towards death to serve your values and fulfil your desires is not just selfish; it’s sinister.