Faithanney
ditto distant.road (with one excpetion below)
I am so sorry you are in that situation.
My parents attempted suicide, my father ‘succeeded’ and 4 years later I found my mother without a heart beat and called 911 when I was 10. She blamed me for wanting to die and for being rescued. She abused me until finally the cops took me from her but I returned like a lost puppy again (I wanted her to love me and because the foster homes were a new sort of hell) and then a therapist got me out of there for fear my mother would kill me. I sold my old convertable bug (only car I’d had) in my 20’s to get surgery to fix the scar she’d put on my face but the scars inside have been much harder to heal.
All I can say is try to find a place inside yourself to savor and store whatever love you get (and give) like a squirl preping for winter. Meditate. Exercise. Find hobbies and something to loose yourself and find yourself in. Hedonistic distraction like Verum listed in one of his posts is good too. And I listed in one of my posts many ways to relax given you are living in a war zone without an army.
We are all mortally wounded by consciousness of our death so that can distract us from loving one another how we should. Because you know what it is to go without, like a vital organ missing from birth, you can perhaps go into the world and change it for the better.
Most generations have touted that caring for one another is superfilous etc and I guess but I believe if we don’t get better at loving (as a community) then we’re going to destroy ourselves and the world we live in.
distant.road wrote: When school is finished and it’s time to move on to something else, it will be your studies that serve as the ticket to do so.
I agree and (no matter I graduated from UC Berkeley after having left school for the most part after 6th grade) being loved and loving are what drives our motivation..intellect and education are vehicles but our hearts are the fuel they rely upon us so take care of your heart.