well, if everybody hates you…

You might as well love yourself…I mean why not?  Everything else hasn’t worked, and hating yourself doesn’t do any good. Why go along with the crowd?

I look at myself at this stage in my life, and I wonder how I got this low.  There seem to be a lot of things to hate. I live alone, have been alone for many years, I work a job where everyone thinks they are my boss, and I’ve gained more weight than I ever thought possible.  Depression is lingering around, and my therapy sessions are just more self indulgent journeys on the hamster wheel. 

One of my best friends just quit calling me, my sister won’t return my calls, and my mother has never been there for me or anyone else for that matter.  Sometimes, the whirlwind of pain comes on so strong that it makes me dizzy..but, guess what, for all my faults, I’m still here and I am strong and determined as hell not to commit suicide.

Don’t get me wrong..I’ve thought seriously about it….But, that thought comes and goes. It settles in the back of my mind like some red hot button of last resort. Yeah, things are getting pretty pathetic in this stage. I often joke with myself that I am locked up in some sort of metaphysical solitary confinement. But, guess what folks, it’s a solitary confinement that I have the key to…something I made up whether I’m really aware of it or not.

Life can suck….and if this world is just an illusion, then why can’t it at least be a pleasant one?  I know deep down that not everybody hates me…hey,I’m just not that important, but hatred is an emotion…a product of the mind, and if I perceive that everyone hates me, then why do I go along and try to hate myself…and if it is my judgement call as to what people think, then how the heck do I know what people really think when it is coming from a mind that is clouded by depression.  Sorry, but over the years, I’ve learned that I can’t always be right about everything, especially my perception of things…

I’ve learned that people can hurt you and be cold, selfish children. But, I’ve certainly hurt my fair share of other people in my many decades of living.  We can all be assholes sometimes.  So enough with the hate, for gawd sakes!  Especially hatred of myself.  When I was younger, I thought I could fix my self esteem through outside things…clothes, hair, makeup, shapely body, shaven legs, painted toe nails and compliments from others.  But, I know now, that was not the answer…because whenever that goes (and depression can erase all of that), you only have what is inside you which is more than all of those things I mentioned.  So what do you hate? The outside, the inside or both?  Other people may judge us, but we are the worst of tyrants to ourselves.

Thanks for everyone sharing..I think that the more we share, the closer we may be to finding out some things, or maybe not…who knows.  If you feel like ending it all, just wait at least a week.  During that week, go ahead and love yourself despite yourself and what other dummies have done to hurt you.  Just give yourself that love, and maybe, just maybe, there will be a little light to help you change your mind. 

There is always someone who has the potential to love you more than you’ve ever been loved…unconditionally loved..that someone will never leave you…because it is you.

God bless and prayers for you to get well soon!