I’ve spent so long just trying to survive the night, that I have almost completely forgotten how to live. I got 72 stitches in my arms a couple of weeks ago….I think God and the devil are taking bets….. I just won’t fucking die. I have no hope for tomorrow, but I’m done trying to kill myself, for now. So what does that make me?
My mother confronted me about my self-harm and demanded that I allow her to see my arms. I completely denied it and refused to let her look at my arms ( seeing as though I’d just gotten stitches two weeks ago). She more or less dropped the subject. But I’m not sure what she’s gonna do next…..I can’t hide my scars forever. I can’t hide forever. I know she means well, but when she confronted me I felt so alienated. I could hear the tone of disgust and disappointment in her voice…it was sickening. I didn’t want this, she didn’t need to know….What the heck am I suppose to do now? I’m exposed. I’m more or less alone and now I’ve burden my family even more…I just can’t stop fucking up can I?
4 comments
The question s not whether you will die or not, but rather whether or not you will live.
Life is not simply the absence of death, but the vitality of being.
I have written many posts since coming here, find them, read them.
I truely believe that given the choice between death and peace, you would choose peace.
Peace.
And end to suffering, stillness in place of self doubt, light in place of dark hate.
You are correct, of course, you have no hope for tomorrow.
But neither do I nor any other.
Tomorrow is but a worrisome dream in your tired thoughts, your racing mind, it never really comes.
We have but today, this hour, this moment.
And in this tiny but very real moment you can find infinite peace, an end to suffering, love.
Sounds like some crazy religious bullshit right?
Find me.
Read me.
All that I have written.
The one non suicidal voice against all of this dark chaos.
You are already becoming the perfection you seek.
Om shanti
Hello,
I was heavily touched by your words. Are you a book author , if such,here could I find your work?
Kind regards,
Elena
You are not a mess. You are going through a terrible time in your life.
But that doesnt change who you are. What makes you so unhappy? Perhaps, that is the reason, that is the problem.
Not you.
You’re special 🙂
My life makes my unhappy….and there’s not much I can do about it because it’s my own damn fault. I don’t know who I am anymore, because I know who I was before all this shit started, but between all the lies I just don’t know anymore. Fuck! I think that the matter of the fact is….I’m the problem. It’s me and I just won’t go away
@ guardian
I’m not sure that I would choose peace over death because I believe that death would either bring me eternal pain or eternal peace. Either way, its better than this shit.
I can honestly say that I’ve had the privilege to experience pure love and I lost it.
just life I’ve lost almost every important relationship in my life and it’s my fault…or maybe the blame it not completely mine…..im not even sure anymore