I’m locked into this idea of suicide, I read about it, think about how I can do it, but too chicken to do it, I’m manipulative and not sure why, I’m trying to break out, but I keep doing things to make others think I’m not well, when I really am very well and able as well, I feel guilty but each time I do or say something it’s like a nail in the coffin that I said it and that’s the way I’m going to behave. So if suicide doesn’t work I want to drink or I want to just be a bum and never work and live on the street, anything but reality. I am so ashamed of my stupid ass behavior and that pushes me to think I should end my life or something stupid and at school now they are kicking me out and it’s just a mess.
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I feel the same, i keep thinking suicde is the only way out.. i know its not but i am very gulibale and stubborn, when i have an idea it just sticks.. With me… For a long time, i realy wish it werent true though.. I just wish we could push a button and life would turn around ?!
I am not very nice and have been manipulative I haven’t shown love to people and the kids in my school and I have drawn back into this sick thinking and just like it here…. I am not nice and think that is why I have these thoughts, I’m just being manipulative.
There must be a reason you act the way you do. Even something very small that happened in your past could be making you subconsciously act like this… even if your not trying to be a manipulative person.
I know it’s not healthy yet I want to destroy everything, my job, my home, people around me, it’s like I’m out of control. And I want all the attention and think everyone is thinking of me, I’m not sure what the hell this is but it’s a ghost that’s for sure and a ghost of me perhaps.
It sounds like you are just looking for control. Think about that for awhile and try to figure out why. Even if you can’t figure out what is going on, try to take control of this thing and get some proffesional help. It sounds like you may have some obsessive compulsive problems which can be helped so easily with medication and counseling. Or maybe I am way off base and clueless so don’t listen to me or anyone else on a site like this with out talking to a doctor or someone. But I do know enough to know as long as you realize what you are doing you are over half way through the fixing it part! Half way through already? Who knew? Take the next step, think how happy every one will be to find out you took the bull by the horns and wrestled it so to speak!
hi maggiemae is correct. dido on what she said and the school thing. aint nothing but a thing. you can always pick up and make it up.