Quiet

It has gotten very quiet recently.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m blending my thoughts with reality. Time goes slow and yet days go by. I’m no longer in my body, or when I am, its so painful I’m blinded. Other times though, its like I’m watching this really depressing movie, and how I would like to leave the theater.

If you cry and scream, curse and shout in the dark, and no one hears you, did you exclaim at all? If you live the nights in darkness and the days under a mask, does anybody see you?

I know I shouldn’t put all my hope in her. I know it’ll probably be a trap, like it was before. But it is the only reason I got up this morning.

I always told myself it would end in highschool, the unhappiness. That off and beyond, my life would become something that had even a hint of happiness. That was enough to keep me going through all the abuse. And not just at school. College was my goal and I made it. I just never realized how I would never be so lonely.

Its funny how your ears, when given utter silence, they make up noise. That white noise. Is it because silence is so painful?

When I talk now, I am talking to myself, for myself. Just so it won’t be so quiet.

God, please protect me from hurting myself. Not again.