I’m not selfish enough to let go. I want to, but I know how much it would hurt my family. I don’t want to be the cause of the problems. I am always the peacemaker.
I keep dreaming about it though. It is romanticized to the point of beauty. I know I am unhealthy. I’d rather kill myself slowly with diet and exercise. (I’ve lost 4 pounds this week. My ribs are showing again.)
I know I have a problem, but I can barely talk to a teacher, a friend. (I locked myself in the bathroom because I had to knock on Dr. Cesie’s door. I know he thinks the world of me. He’s always so nice.) Imagine me going to see a stranger. Ask a stranger for help.
I go on the internet because I can be weak, vulnerable. I can hide behind a proxy and say the things I want to scream to society. Resnet.
I feel like I am in a prison. I hide from best friends and exlovers. I pretend I’m working. Oh so busy. I can’t talk to anyone.
I guess it truly is a cry for help, but I haven’t got the courage to ask. I don’t want to know the answer. I couldn’t imagine how bad it would be if I failed. What if I succeed. I can’t cause them more problems. People think that I will go far (into hell?).
I say I can’t do it because of them. Actually I can’t try because of what they might think of me.
5 comments
If you don’t want to do it, then seek help because it is as simple as that. You said your afraid of what they’ll think but trust me if they decided about finding out from your death or from you telling them, pretty obvious what they’ll pick.
You’re in a hell now. And you yourself, know how much of a struggle it is. You, yourself, know how much it hurts you. Deep inside. What if you did, actually, succeed one day? Imagine the hell your family, and friends, would go through. The first step to getting out of this place, is admitting to yourself everything. The first step to getting out of that deep, dark, abyss is:: asking for help. True, I do not know anything of what has happened to you in your lifetime. I guess all I have to say is:: don’t do it, if you know you don’t want to.
I’m an 18 year old female with absolutely no qualifications in therapy or any other related topics, but I sympathize with you and if you’d like, you can talk to me about what you’re going through. I’ve had my dark days too, but I overcame them. I want to give back and help anyone I can. Comment back if you want my email address. I hope you all the best.
I can’t do it too even though i felt like doing it, even though i’m imagining myself to do it, even when i’m wishing that God will just please take away my life. I can’t because there are people who is holding me back especially my family and above all because of God, my faith to Him. I just need to believe that everything has a purpose and this is just a pace i need to overcome. i really don’t know~ it’s like searching for something unknown. I need to hold on even though it so tiring, even though i can’t anymore, i need to hold on for them, not for myself. Hold on!
I believe you’re not a coward for not doing it, you’re STRONG and BRAVE to think that you did consider the people around you and for not being selfish enough.