NOBODY can top this……

Although I haven’t read many posts, I wonder how many older people are posting. Well, this is me.

I knew things were different at a very early age. Death blossomed all around me, from tragic accidents to old-age illnesses. Family, friends, it didn’t matter. It soon developed into a phobia of dark places which, back in the 1960’s was something never talked about. With my brother’s tragic death and this phobia of it, dreaming of bodies raising up from their caskets,  my parents never understanding how paralyzing the fear was, it’s no wonder I was 22 before I could maintain a normal life without every door in any house being wide open so no bodies would fall out.

All through elementary school things were never fair. In high school I knew I was different, although a cheerleader I quit and was never able to forget it because of classmates relentless questions.

Bad advice from a HS guidance counselor kept my so-called “career in law enforcement” at bay. My high school sucked, it any way you could imagine. My boyfriend raped me, I didn’t know he was still married although the whole high school did. It went on and on.

After graduation which was only 1 of 2 high points of my life, I fell into a band. Literally, sang my life away. Yes, this was the only other high point. Looking back, I wish I could have stayed here. I moved across country, found new “friends” but everything fell apart even worse.

My law enforcement career fizzled, everything I tried was and has been a complete failure. I suck at being a girlfriend, boss, mother, co-worker, friend, etc, etc, etc. Every day life that most people take for granted has been a struggle for me The littlest things set off major chain reactions to where I just want to kill! How can one little small thing turn into a nuclear war?

I tried drugs, alcohol, pills, and therapists??? Are you kidding? Those morons who read from a textbook are nothing more than society scum who need to be locked up with all the other ‘badge-heavy” officers I used to work with. I’ve suffered from PTSD along with so many other medical ailments too lengthy to describe here anyway most people don’t believe me. Aside from being a complete and utter failure at anything I’ve ever attempted in my life, I can’t even volunteer to help others as that’s another book I could publish. NOTHING works, not even helping other people. Oh, and did I mention I’m also an empath? A complete sponge where I feel other’s pain. I can’t let others see me cry which is all the time.

For these reasons, and a multitude of others, I am and have been for the last 5 years a total recluse. I recently moved to South America thinking I might find solace in others. Let me tell you, all the bullshitters of the world live here in their high-and-mighty covers of wealth and paradise. I’m talking the asshole expats of North America. Needless to say, things are now worse than ever.

Though I’ve been on and off anit-depressnants for 25 years, I even thought I could maybe try a new anti-depressant. But of course, since this is me, the drug I want is one of the most expensive here so I can’t afford it. Most every other drug is cheap here. By the way, I haven’t been able to take any sort of meds for anything as they don’t work. I have chronic back issues, foot and hand surgery which all together is challenging, vision problems, sinus problems, and I am not kidding, the list goes on and on and on and on,,,,,,,,

So my entire life I have been invalidated. My emotions mean absolutely nothing to anybody. This is one of the biggest forms of abuse there is. Look what it’s done to me. Check out this link if you feel the same way: http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

So I am a complainer and been told this over and over and over. I want to kill  people as they just don’t get it. If you had my fucking life you’d complain too. As I said, I’ve only touched the surface on the shit my life is. Just this stupid black cloud that lingers over me no matter where I go, circumstances beyond my control which are just getting worse and worse.

Recently a person I knew started bullying and abusing me on Face book and is another social disaster which I only joined to stay “in-touch” with family back home. Complete fucking waste. I just deleted my account as I was so upset and completely understand the bullying issue with younger kids. These people need strung up by their balls and castrated.

Unfortunately, my son is his mother’s son. So depressed like me with no light at the end of the tunnel. What kind of advice can I give him?? Neither of us has anybody to talk to, nobody that understands at all. This is a worthless world, and I have attempted suicide several times although I truly wish it had been when I was younger as now I cannot leave my son without a mother. Truly I am a lost soul and wish for a friend more than ANYTHING in this world.