forget me not

What a funny name for a flower, that’s what I want my family to recieve at my funeral. They can throw it on my casket, cry, weep, and moan. Whatever. I know it’s really awful to do this, but they can’t seem to notice, hey something is wrong with her. Look at that fake smile. I’m not as brave as everybody else, ballsy, I can’t do the antifreeze or overdose or self mutalate. It scares the living day lights out of me. My fear would be a coroner say “this girl lived a pathetic life and took the easy way out.” I care too much what people think. But you would think, if you listen to the same three depressing songs every single day your kid is crying out for help. That’s all I wanted, to feel something other than pain and self resentment. I get the occasional happiness for a family member then right back to the “just die already” feeling. I wasn’t always as effed up as now, I used to be happy. I forgot that as a kid i was molested by a young uncle at 8. Then my parents divorced. Moved to a suburb. Blah blah blah. I was spoiled. Am spoiled. High School was fun, always ditching classes acting like a bad ass with all my friends. Finally found that special person. (haha what a joke) Came out to my parents this is my girlfriend. Then to be slapped in the face with your so called girlfriend will never be allowed in our home. Everything from then on was just a pieces of debris crumbling in my life. We were in love once. 5 years off and on. Gave her my everything. I was never good enough. Story of my life, never feeling good enough. College came, introduced me into heavy drinking and smoking the good stuff to keep me from hurling myself off the building. But all of that was nothing to what i thought could never happen to me. I was taken advantage of by my best friend. The girl I spent every single day together with. Had dinner with her entire family. Shared clothes with. I’ve lost many friends before but never because my best decided she wanted to drug me and have a threesome with her new boyfriend. She was there when i nearly ended my life when i broke up with my bs ex. When it happened i just wished it was over. I felt no pleasure, you had to drug ur best friend just to get some action. I thought my life was pathetic. But i was right in the end. I was the pathetic one. Because it all ended up being my fault. My university put me on suicide watch. So i left the university after only one semester. My parents were so enthused. They completely ignored what happened. Focused on my report card and my drug and alcohol abuse. Made me get sober. Woo what a joy. 0 friends. My family said hey you post the most depressing things on fb so quit it. Ok. assholes. Thanks for showing your compassion. Yes it was a cry for attention. But now it’s anything but. I just want to actually be dead rather than feeling it every single day. I pray that God will send me someone to love NOT a man. My mom refuses to recognize I just want to marry and end up with kids and living with a great and beautiful woman. It wasn’t that hard to ask for. But every day I’m reminded no one actually cares and you will always end up alone. Ignored. Well fuck you world, just give me the thing I want most send me hurdling in a horrible car accident where no one is harmed but me. I shouldn’t be reading the news about friends I know that are just as old as me that died from a car accident wishing hey god, wtf that should’ve been me. I’m not religious, I just believe there’s a god, and he is watching me doing nothing. Bringing someone else the gift of death rather than me. Give a poor cancer patient life and have me die. It should be me. I just want to end. now…