ready to die

I am so tired. I feel like I have been in a fog my whole life and recently I have been stuck in an introspective nightmare loop that never ends. My family hates me, I have recently split from my husband, and now I have some strange illness which nobody can diagnose. I was told it is a mental condition due to sexual abuse. My husband now lives with my family and is telling them all sorts of crazy shit about me so now I am bombarded with hate mail on a daily basis. I have sought treatment which is not helping and I am even with a kind and understanding partner who I cannot even trust out of fear. I have attempted suicide many times via poisons, drinking, carbon monoxide, overdose. I even tried to shoot myself with my father’s gun but was too afraid to do it. He caught me anyway and we never spoke of it again. I am in constant physical and emotional pain and I just cannot take it anymore. I am looking in to the helium hood method as an option. I just want to go out peacefully. If this fails I am just going to shoot myself.