I feel so alone

I have many problems and always have. I was diagnosed with Manic Depression, Depression, Anorexia, and ADHD. I’m constantly fighting  myself for one normal happy day, although it’s hard it comes around every once in a while. But lately I’ve just felt so lost. I’m not like others, I scream and cry and tell my parents I hate them and I want to kill myself and then 30 minutes later I beg their forgiveness and tell them I’m sorry and I need help. I rarely go to therapists anymore because I never continue to take my medicine and my mom gets fed up with spending time and money on me when I just end up refusing to take it. They look at me like I’m crazy. I see it in their eyes how they don’t understand me and how they’re scared for me. That’s the worst part, the fact that they don’t ever think I’ll be okay.  On top of that, my boyfriend doesn’t understand. He’s gotten to the point where everytime I start talking about something that’s upsetting me he just says “Just go to bed you don’t need to get yourself worked up over nothing. You’re beautiful and you’ll be happy one day babe. Just trust me.” But he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know that even though I cry for hours and we go in circles and I’ll never agree with what he’s saying, it helps me a lot just to get as much out at a time as I can. I feel so crazy. I dropped out of high school because I’m a loner. I used to have so many friends. I used to always be talking to someone on the phone, or going to the mall with someone. Do you know how many people talk to me on a weekly basis now? One, my boyfriend. I have no one. I lose all my friends because I get mad about STUPID shit and they get pissed off and leave me. I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t want a friend like me either. I’m a shitty friend. I’m a shitty girlfriend too.

Oh and I’m pregnant now. I got pregnant at 17. My mom’s so disappointed in me. I can’t even imagine what the rest of my family’s going to think of me. They’re the only people I have, I hope they don’t abandon me like everyone else. I’m so emotional now, my whole day consists of crying because I fucking hate myself or being pissed off at everyone. At least 5 times a day I say horrible things to my boyfriend to put him down like “I wish I never got pregnant by you. I never thought I’d be with someone like you, it makes me sick. You’re going to be a terrible father. You’re never going to provide the life we need to get through. You fucked everything up.” I hate that I say these things to him. I don’t mean any of them, I just can’t control myself.  I wish I wasn’t pregnant because now more than ever I just want to end my life. I just want to end it all. I can’t stand myself. I wish everyone knew how I felt about myself and that I really don’t mean to be so horrible to them. But people stop forgiving you when you fuck up and say things after they’ve already given you 3rd and 4th chances. I just can’t quit. What’s wrong with me. Why did so much have to be wrong with me. I’m so pathetic. I wish I would’ve hung myself last month when I had the chance. But now I’m carrying an innocent life who doesn’t deserve to die. Maybe one day I’ll fuck up my relationship with my baby and then I’ll have a reason to die. Until then I’m just going to be miserable forever. Fuck my life.