I honestly don’t want to. But sometimes, I feel like I have to. It’s as if there’s a little voice in my head, taunting me, telling me I’m not strong enough and that all my problems will go away if I just give up now. The only way I’ve gotten that little bastard to shut up and let me sleep, yes I’m an insomniac, I’ve found is to just agree with it. And I’ve been able to lie to myself that this is the only reason why I admit such defeat, but recently I’ve begun to believe it. I’ve been dealt amazing cards in life, I shouldn’t have anything to complain about. So why do I constantly have the wish to simply close my eyes and end it all? I’m so tired with everything. I feel incredibly detached from reality and the people around me. And I want to talk to someone, but I don’t want to bother them. They float on bubbles of light and happiness, while I am tethered to the ground surrounded by spikes lest I attempt to move. I’m immobilized, and I’m scared of what I’m capable of doing. Drifting in and out of these solemn moods isn’t healthy I know, and I’m constantly scared of trying to commit suicide again. I don’t want to die, but it just sounds so right.
3 comments
I’m sitting here reading what you wrote and I see an image of me reflected through your words. People ask me, when i say i’m unhappy with my life: Why do you complain? You’re so blessed. I too have been dealt amazing cards in life hence everyone questions why i complain. But they just don’t get it…it’s not about what i have or what i own. It’s more than that. And yeah i look at people the same way you do. They smile, they dance, they laugh. Life must be going pretty damn well for them. And I look at those people who have brought me my misery and they too are having a blast in life, while me, while I’m drowning in oceans of hopelessness, desolation, pain and misery. Are you happy with what you’ve done is what i want to ask them.
You’re not alone. Dying seems like the only way out doesn’t it. Oh I watch movies of how people die in their sleep. Peacefully and painlessly. Why can’t that happen to me
Wouldn’t we all just want to go to sleep and never wake up…
When people think you have such a great life, it makes you feel even worse. They think you have no reason to be sad/depressed/miserable. The, you feel guilty for feeling the way you do! Spend less time around people who will not understand your situation. Spend some time alone, doing things that truly make you happy. For me, I love spending time with my dog. He loves me unconditionally! We play and snuggle, and I love and laugh. If someone makes you unhappy, phase them out of your life. You are sooo not alone – many people have felt this way. Take one day at a time.