So as some of you might have realised but i have been off SP for a little while..
I got very suicidal, didnt speak to anyone and put all my energy into surviving the day.
1st june: My baby dsd contacted me today to tell me he wasnt going to bother to see her for her birthday and he will send me some money to buy her something.. Awesome, i had to break the news daddy wasnt coming over and watched her little heart break.
2nd june: My little miss is ill, 40 degree temperature, shes crying, clingy and i dont get a moments peace, shes also tired and throwing lots of tantrums.. Help please someone..
Mums drunk again.. Fantastic…
3rd June: little misses party, 10 screaming kids.. Whose idea was this…? Sometimes i wonder.. Party was a sucess, cake was huge.. Guess id best eat the rest… Oh gosh ill be eating cake for a month! Went to dads after party.. By time i returned home before 7pm my mum had already devoured a bottle of wine, i can see togiht being a barrel of fun, guess ill retire to my room…
4th june: Bank holiday monday! Wooope! My first day to myself in ages, time to be adventurous! Off to macdonalds for a bingefest (2 quarter cheese, 1 large fries, a milkshake and a mcflurry!) off to the cinema to watch prometheus… Hang out with a friend for a bit… Get home.. Yep mums drunk again, get little one off to bed, stern eords with the mother and retire to my room..
5th june: i think about things too much, i over think, i cant not think because then id have nothing to write so i have to think just maybe not as much as i am.. Argh, i want to selfharm so freaking much, my arm hurts so much, guess its time to jmp in my safe place. Need to stop thinking these thoughts, need to get him out of my head, wish i could gouge out my eyes and rip off my skin..
6th june: i was really naughty today, totally binged on cake, icecream, harribos.. Which by the way are nice going down aweful coming back up.. Ill avoid haribos in future… Stomach really hurts now oh well it will fade, i should really stop pulling my eyelashes out.. Not going to happen though…
10th.. If i can survive afew more days.. Just a few more.. Why is he being so nice to me? People arent normally nice.. Hes looking at me, he keeps staring, whats he looking at.. Why does he keep walking past my window? Hes following me.. Im hiding in my room under the window he csnt see me now..
11th june: i keep hearing things, whispers, noises.. People keep staring pointing… I dont know why, all the while the whipers are echoing.. UGLY FAT! SLAG NO-ONE WANTS YOU! DIE ***** NOONE WILL MISS YOU, maybe hes right… The whispers are starting to scare me now, i sit in the corner hands over my ears, crying please leave alone…
12th june: doctor visit, sat in a doctors surgey, with people coughing.. Stsring at me, whispering to each other, i hate this place, pulling at my eyeleashes and eyebrows.. Come on call me…. When i eventually get in, i scout the room before sitting down.. After being honest that i was feeling down, i am a self harmer and suicidal, she grilled me on my parentibg skills.. How dare she, *****… Refused to up my meds or change them, gave me a repeat prescription now 3 months in and told me to get councilling then said see ya! Mum decided to neck two bottles of wine, fell asleep on sofa then took herself off to bed. I laid in bed head swimming.. I wanted to die, lined up all my pills, 102 in total, but instead selfharmed.. I didnt feel any better at all and convinced myself to sleep..
13th june: boiling hot.. In a thick jumper.. Hiding my cuts, hiding my shame, i could do it again… I feel nothing.. Im empty. Im so tired i dont know how much longer i can fight.. My meds dont work… Its 6pm and mums arleady cracked open a bottle of wine… Im keeping out the way..
13 comments
Just did an hours workout in a jumper/sweater not one of my better ideas. ? But my mum was in the same room so i couldnt wear my sports bra… Looks like im going to have to get used to exercising in a jumper. Wish i could sleep…
Thanks for reading and showing your support, i feel so wanted..
Welcome back … on one hand, it’s nice to have a familiar “face” back, on the other hand, sorry you have a need to be here.
all the best
dawg
Cheers Dawg, sorry im just super paranoid at the minute, though i thank you for your kind words.. Kind of feel here is the only place i can be understood you know.
I fully appreciate the feeling of paranoia – unfortunately for me, it has more to do with an impending eviction notice or a random traffic stop that discovers my administratively suspended licence. i guess I should feel “blessed” that the feeling they’e “out to get me” is real … there’s no comfort in that :/
Not sure anyone here fully “understands” anyone else here … but at least here, a majority are open and compassionate to some degree
eviction/death warrant … one in the same :/
marked dawg
Im sorry to hear about your eviction, you got somewhere else to live lined up? I live with my mum as you can probably tell by my entry.. And while its unbearable at times.. I am thankful i have somewhere to live.. Even if we do avoid each other at times.
*hugs sent your way dawg*
Sure seems that you are having a rough time of it crimson, and what a thing for your baby’s father to do. It sounds like you need someone special to help you listen out for the voices and to help you through the rough times.
@CR – not to worry about my “eviction” … it’s been imminent for over 2 years … but it could still come any day … that said, there’s been no new information that says the banks have done anything at this point … still it’s like the Sword of Damocles hanging over me …. except I’m chained to the throne so if/when the thread breaks, if no one has come with a key to unlock my chains o let me escape … well … you get the picture 😉
I’m always here to listen … even if I/we(the rest of SP) don’t know what to say
thanks for the hugz 🙂 … hugz back 🙂
huggy dawg
You should think of something exciting or something you have always wanted to learn or do and write about the experience. Then, when you read it back later you will feel a sense of achievement. There are people out there who have a rich tapestry of life experiences. People like Michael Palin. I like him because he’s a good guy, knowledgeable and down to earth. I suppose, sometimes in the country opportunities are taken away through social and economic problems. There might have actually been enough room on the road without people feeling complained to nudge you of the track. Did you know the average person is supposed to earn £34k a year.
Hey dawg or duke mind if email you something? Is that ok.. Just want to ask you something that i cannot ask here 🙂
Fine with me – I don’t always check it so if you do and I don’t respond, just let me know somewhere on here so I go look 🙂
mindless dawg
Cheers Dawg, it has been sent 🙂
responded 🙂
talkie dawg