Happy Holidays.
Its that time of year.. I will probably cry every night..
last chirstmas i had EVERYTHING
this christmas i will have NOTHING
story of my life..
wish i wouldnt mind to have end..
Violet ends up committing suicide.. and you watch how it affects her father and everyone around her. she took too many sleeping pills. She doesnt even know that she dies.. thats what i want to have happen to me.. thats how i want to die.. and maybe sometime soon..
Tricked into going to my friends to “hang out”.. yeah not really.
We get to her house and sit on the couch.. i didnt notice at first, but there was the flashlight with my name on it, and my bestfriends weed, and apple bowl.
Things got ugly.. fast..
Depression. Cutting. Smoking.
it all came up in our very long 3 hour talk.
cant tell you how much i cried..
we talked about the weed.. and the funny thing was.. i had JUST smoked before going over because i though we were just going to be hanging out eating pizza like my mom told me.
so i was smacked. Crying. scared. speechless.
all i wanted to do […]
brain hurts alot more than normal.. fuck SATs and fuck the future.. it’s too hard.
i walked home alone at the end of the night and whispered your name in the dark. you stood out a mile from the secrets and lies and found a straight line to my heart right from the start.
the maps and the journeys were clear to see. directions were etched on your words. the dark pools of yesterday under your eyes where pain and perfection got blurred. but i liked what i heard. don’t fall. i’ll be your painkiller. don’t fall. we’re the same as each other. don’t fall. you just have to give me a call. i deserted the days and those delicate […]
why do you have to be so dumb and oblivious to what is right in front of you? You should clearly be able to see that SOMETHING is wrong.. but youre blind.. you blinded by your complete ignorance. You are an ignorant person. You know NOTHING about depression, or suicide, or cutting. So you judge those who do. If you actually knew.. you would know that people who cut themselves dont do it for fun.. they do it because its something that they have grown to need, they have to do it to stay alive, so they dont kill themselves, to let out the emotions […]
my bestfriend was really fucked up today. she had an anxiety attack and i hauled ass to her house to make sure she was alive. half way there she calls me and tells me that she just picked up by her friend. so i turned around and went to dance.
i was thinking about her alot, so i wasnt focused very well.
im sooooo tired and sore.
too much school work.
dance is going fucking crazy right now.
i dont have time to do anything anymore.. that is if i want to have any down time at all… which i dont think ill be getting any down time anymore…
Ughh.
Todays stress…..
I know I keep posting about my exboyfriends and I’m sorry, but its all been adding to my depressioN soooooo much
how do  you  convince your self of something? Like you know that something  is the right answer.. But you just don’t believe it.
i know it is best and that I’m not suppose to be with Travis anymore, but I can’t stop wanting him.. Needing him.
any suggestions? Please share them with me!!!!
Ts her birthday. I’m in school with her all fucking day. Stuck seeing him and her holding hands ands kissing.. He should be kissing me. Holding my hand. Not hers.
In a good mood other than her being here and her being with him..
yes I am the jealouse type, and I know that. So no one needs to tell me
Happy fucking  birthday you little **** ***** morgan
Actually had a decent night. No horrible event to speak of. Did what I wanted and nothing more  and nothing that I wish didn’t. Just tired and going to sleep (in hopes that nothing can go wrong if I’m asleep)
sometimes I really just want to die. I mean I’m a teenager ad wanting to die is normal? Idunno. But  I don’t necassarl want to kill myself… Rather I would like someone else to kill me. Someone else so the dirty work.
Someone to hang me
someone to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger.
i want someone else to kill me so I don’t have to do it myself
Usually I’m the one who holds everyone when they are down and they need help getting through something. I never let anyone help me with my problems. Â I always say that I’m okay. Â Even though I liable to get through something’s on my own… I really just need someone to yell at meand help me even though I say I’m okay. Buthee person that I know could help me, can’t. She needs to be helped first. But I do need someone to come hold my hand through all of this.. Even if it doesn’t seem like much
Its that time of day again. The time where everything is dark and hopeless. Where everything is horrible end  everything is falling apart.
This happens everyday and there is nothing I can do about it.
Some nights are worse than others… Last night was the worst in a few weeks. so tonight is not as bad but it is still horrible and incredibly painful..
I wish I could feel total numbness. Or smoke some bud. Take a few shots of vodka or whiskey. Anything to stop these thoughts for the time being..
cutting is not goin to help me and it’s not what I want To do. I want […]
Keeping posted on how everyone here is doing is hard because I do not have my computer and I’m  not able to do much off of my phone. But much love and hope to everyone here and that sees this post. <3
Finally saw my best friend. She is alive and as beautyful as ever:) Â but we did a lot of talking.. She is going to go through with her plan, but promised to stay a little longer because I need her. I guess I accept her leaving me, so long as its not anytime soon.
She is the only one who knows exactly what is going on right now and I can’t loose the other person that I love and that is apart of who I am.
Last night was a night of reassurance, so long as she keeps her promise. at least for now
Saw Emily at the mall today …  That’s my exboyfriends sister  Ad it was way too awkward… She gave me a death stare  which really sucks because we used to be pretty close. I had an anxiety attack after saying hi to her.  Just makes me want Travis that much more.
And reminds me about how perfect his new girlfriend is  and how fucking shitty I really am
I love you. I miss you. I want you. I need you.
where are you?
how are you?
I know you’re with, her, now..
but I really want you back in my arms.
I think about you everyday,
about your family,
and what you may be doing..
I have a secret hope that you and I will come back together again..
but I don’t know if it’s worth hoping for..
I feel that maybe we still have a chance,
but what if I’m wrong?
Oh well.
I love you.
Travis
W******
S********
just remember.. No gaps <3
and Tyler, and Ava, and our house in Colorado..
oh and our German Shepard-Husky mix puppy
I Love You Babe, and I always will.. <3
Even if you don’t […]
SP is so important to you my dear! dont leave just because im here.. you see the horrible things i write, and i see what you write.. its not like we dont know whats going on in each others heads.. were just seeing it in ‘writing’.. dont let my presence chase you away. its helped you through too much, more than i probably have.. so dont leave because of me, thats not what was meant to happen.
5 sleeping pills do your job and take me away.