WHY AM I SO FUCKING MAD! I’d much rather punch a whole in a fucking wall but I hope posting this will be a less destructive way to let it out. Maybe some of you have heard of the tornado in Illinois that devastated washington and the surrounding area, and even though I’m 900 miles away, it still makes me so goddamn pissed off. I have family and friends back home that are homeless now, and I can do nothing to help. At the same time, my grandpa goes back into the hospital, and I have no idea if he’ll be okay. Powerless over that […]
Have any of you ever wondered if you know someone on this site, but don’t know it’s them? Some random person with a made up username might be someone you personally know who is having the same issues you are. I feel like it would be really helpful to not go through this alone. That being said, I know I probably don’t actually know any of you, but just in case, my names Austin. This way everybody I actually know doesn’t have to know, and maybe somebody with the same issues will find me. Kind of a long-shot, but it can’t hurt, right?
So I started watching the show Dexter, and it’s weird how much I relate to him. Not that I’m a serial killer killer, but the fact that I wear an emotional mask all the time. He was taught at such a young age how to pretend to be normal and fit in, and now that I look back, I taught myself how to pretend. I’ve never been seriously happy my whole life. Maybe I just trick myself into thinking that this fake happy really is what happy is supposed to feel like. I don’t think so, though. I can’t remember ever smiling when I was […]
So I sat in a far corner of a Walmart parking lot today for at least an hour and a half with a box-cutter at my throat. I gave myself about an inch long not too deep scar on the left side of my neck. I was too scared to go any further. Still not sure if I want to go through with this or not. But for now, how the fuck do I explain that scar to people? At least it’s semi-coverable.
I have a great life, and will be the first to admit it. I have a great family, great friends, go to a good school, I have no major complaints. Why do I feel so shitty? Why do I feel so lonely? Why do I feel so worthless, beaten and broken? In all rights I should be happy, but I’m not. It’s getting hard to remember when I was, and even harder to remember what it feels like to not pretend. It’s exhausting. No matter where I am or what I’m doing it never leaves my mind. It’s always there, whispering that one word. Why […]