I bottled it last time. Something stopped me. I hope I have more courage this time. The thing that stopped me last time is gone now. No more. Destroyed. Just like I destroy everything. I don’t feel now which is a blessing. I really can’t take anymore. If I’m lucky by this time tomorrow I will have found peace. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere. All I do is destroy. I’m selfish and difficult and I hurt people. I don’t mean to but my very existence, by being what I am hurts those around me. It’s better that I go. I want to […]
I don’t know why I’m posting. I guess because I can’t share this with anyone else. But I have 4 more days to go. I’m both at peace and afraid. I’m afraid I’ll fail. I can think of nothing worse than failing. My method I hope is as foolproof as anything can be but then nothing is ever 100%. My plan is meticulous. But once it starts I cannot stop. Even best laid plans may be interrupted though and as long as I haven’t started I can delay it. I hope I don’t need to though.
I want so much to go through with it. I […]
It was all so fucking perfect, so foolproof. Nothing could go wrong, I was ready to go, I needed to go. Everything was in place no one would know. Then smack bang out of the blue the night I decided to die was the night another (elderly) family member died. I mean there was no way I could do it people would be calling now there would be no privacy no time. How could this happen? And now I’m stuck here in my own hell with no way out because now I have to wait. How much longer do I have to suffer, is it […]
When can I leave? I want so badly to go now to just fade away. But I can’t. I promised myself I would wait till my parents were gone. So here I am waiting, forever waiting till the time when I can cease to exist. There is nothing for me here and there never can be. I only destroy everything and create pain for those around me. Around people but never part of anything, no connection. Alone. And hurting.
I don’t form connections with people easily and when it rarely happens the other person runs a mile because I don’t deal well with it. But this time with this one person she didn’t turn her back on me. She listens to what I say for the most part, doesn’t just ignore me like everyone else did and makes me feel like I exist and matter.
I haven’t been coping very well with living lately. We work together in a high pressure environment which has me stressed out for most of time. And the past few days we’ve been arguing which I NEVER do with anyone. […]
You know when you’re struggling. When you flit between completely numb and vomit inducing crying & pain where you can’t get up off the floor. When you have no one. And in the darkness you try to reach out to someone. Open up just a little. Try to explain why you are what you are, why you feel what you feel and why you hurt the people around you even though you don’t mean to. And all you get back is they’re ‘disappointed’?
I never trust people and this has reminded me why. I can’t form any kind of relationship, even a simple friendship is beyond me. I […]