This is my last post here. I really cannot live with this illness anymore.
God give me strength, I pray. Deliver my soul to Heaven if and when I exit. Amen.
This isn’t going to last very long.
And when it’s over I’m leaving. For good.
Short answers or no responses at all. That’s my social life. Sure it’s mostly all media but it really puts a damper on my social anxiety when I want to actually talk to people.
My name is Gianna, I’m 20 years old, and the grim reaper has officially laid claim to my soul.
I can’t be the encourager and you the discourager. I can’t tell you not to kill yourself while I’m over here cutting and getting blood all over my mattress and internally screaming out to God to strike me down right where I sit.
I hate self harm relapses. Not like being “clean” from cutting for 4 days is a big hoorah.
Just damn. I wish the blade was sharper to get more blood.
ahh…don’t listen to me ramble…im overtired and plain batshit insane hehehehe
It’s like I’m destined to feel this desperate and guilty my whole life. Jesus please save me, help me, show me, do something to let me know you’re there and not just a story for us to feel good about. I want to meet you when I die, not a black void.
http://faithtap.com/1186/an-and-rias-first-flight/?a=1
I had to admit that video made me smile. It makes me wonder how people enjoy life so much, find the urge to continue to live. It makes me feel bad for wanting to die.
No one has the big picture in mind. It’s sad. Everyone is preoccupied with their little pointless material things and pointless humdrum routines to really look at what happens after everything is gone. What will you have left? Where will you go?
I guess I’m still pretty mad over what someone said to me. Someone I never expected to say such a thing. That if I end it, he won’t go to my funeral because he can’t glorify someone who does that to themselves. I never once asked for glory or sympathy. Only for an understanding ear. Maybe to be talked out of what I want […]
The light at the end blew out.
And now I’ve had it, just about.
If anyone is reading this please know,
That it wasn’t your doing that made me go.
Yes you. You know who you are…if you could be by my side right now I may feel less darkened by the demons.
I miss you.
Death is final; death is complete.
“People pontificate, “Suicide is selfishness.” Career churchmen like Pater go a step further and call in a cowardly assault on the living. Oafs argue this specious line for varying reason: to evade fingers of blame, to impress one’s audience with one’s mental fiber, to vent anger, or just because one lacks the necessary suffering to sympathize. Cowardice is nothing to do with it – suicide takes considerable courage. Japanese have the right idea. No, what’s selfish is to demand another to endure an intolerable existence, just to spare families, friends, and enemies a bit of soul-searching.â€
Cant let it win. Get it together…come on you fuck, I can do this
oh God this is so draining
Stay the fuck away from me
Go just go. Just leave before you get hurt too.
Down down down down down and dark.
Subtly and rapidly losing it. This plan…it seems so beautiful in a sickening way.
Oh God what’s happening to me…….
tick tock tick tock
You think it’s fucking bluff? I won’t do it? Ok, yeah, we’ll see about that.
People will run the minute you hope they’ll talk you down from something…but I guess not.
Fuck them. It isn’t selfish, especially if you deserve it. Motherfuckers. So mad my cheeks burn. Goddamn I want to just punch everything right now.
I can only hope, while at the same time, giving up. What a contradictory statement.
I’m not “high risk”, I’m just tired.
I mean, mother of God, this helpless feeling has not gone away all week, and just keeps getting worse.
So, let’s blast some motherfucking epic music. Kill all those fucking demons.
Today’s goal—-act normal, and maybe I’ll feel normal. Robot mode. Tell the doctor everything that’s really wrong, with the straightest face.
I had a dream last night I got sent back to the hospital. It was even more decrepit and bare then the real life one.
No wonder I can’t sleep. If it’s images of the disgusting things that’ve happened it’s images of guns and using them.
But, no, I have to act normal today. Distractions are futile, but I’ll be a robot.