It’s imminent now. I will use emergency chemical measures to stay another 6 months. After that it’s only a matter of time. I have dual noble gas and ingestion means for a peaceful exit. In the unlikely event that fails, I’m looking at a shotgun slug in a sawed off when (presumably) released from institution and I’ll be making a big mess of myself. All I ever wanted was a family and some love, something even the lowest forms of human life receive. Instead, I received nothing but a life of endless work, loneliness, pain and humiliation in zombieland while I constantly work to better […]
Yesterday was my birthday, I’m 39, and I’m still alone. Work in the ER with no support system has finally messed me emotionally up beyond fixable. I have wanted to end it periodically for at least 15 years. I have wished I was never born most of the time since my earliest memories. Now I am actively wishing for accidents and disease and constantly thinking about methods. The primary reason is a lifelong monstrous, crippling and all pervasive anxiety and low self esteem reinforced by an endless stream of abusive and unfeeling people. My work in an extremely hostile environment is just fuel on the […]