Today is my birthday and all I can think is “I would rather die than have another birthday.” I don’t want to get older when I feel like I’m not even living. The past 8 years it’s been one thing after another, I thought it would get easier but it really hasn’t. I’m not even finished my fucking bachelor’s degree, my health keeps getting in the way. I’ve been having a trauma response for the past 2-3 months, so I’m failing all of my courses which doesn’t get me anywhere closer to graduating. I get there’s more in life than school and work… But I […]
I don’t remember the last time I’ve wanted to die this badly. I’ve been working my ass off, doing all the things I’m supposed to be doing: regular therapy appointments, taking my meds somewhat consistently, spending time with friends and family, going outside, started working out and prioritizing eating better, purging and organizing my home so I’m not living in chaos. I haven’t been this active in over 8 years since my mental health first plummeted. And yet my mind is telling me over and over, “Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.” Why isn’t anything I’m doing enough?