Today i really want to relapse. That all that’s the post. No heartfelt words. No tears. No trauma dumping. I just want to relapse.
My therapist told me that when i feel like I’m slipping i need to write 5 things that I’m thankful for for that day. So here it is:
1. I’m so thankful for my sobriety. I’m thankful that no matter what I’m going through i never have to judge the severity of it with the type of liquor i buy. Thankful to never drunk drive again. I’m thankful that I never have to disappoint my parents by turning up to the family function acting a fool because I’m drunk and they don’t know it. Thankful that I don’t have it rely on being drunk to be […]
I’m usually really good about being able to write out my feelings and right now I’m at a loss for words. I think because after so long i finally let someone in. I let him into my life. I let him see the darkest parts of me. I let him hear about my abuse. My love for pills. My severe depression. My anxiety. My hate for myself. For once I wasn’t sad I wasn’t fearful of being alone with a man. He didn’t take advantage of me. He didn’t scream at me for my fuck ups. I only ever asked for one thing and that […]
I only get on here when things get really bad and surprise things are really bad again. I feel safe on here hiding behind a screen. Strangers telling me it’s going to be alright but I know it’s not. 23 feels so young but i feel like I’ve lived a lifetime and a half.
Today i was driving to work and though one small turn of the wheel and I wouldn’t feel pain anymore. But I can’t leave my cats. That’s stupid isn’t it? Staying alive for cats. My therapist says anything that keeps you alive isn’t stupid but i beg to differ.
Being in this relationship […]
Red walls and an old red leather couch we sit. Side by side in the dark with the tv being the only light. He kisses me. He tells me he loves me. I know what happens when he starts this. I love him. He grabs my face and starts kissing me… rough. It’s okay I like it like that but I’m just not in the mood. A little kissing wont hurt me though. His hands slide hungrily down my body. Please don’t not today. I’m tired. I’ve been fighting for a long time. I haven’t slept, eaten and barely spoke in days. Can’t he see […]