FindingHopeAgain

They say when you’re about to kill yourself you don’t say anything to anyone. I haven’t realized how close I’ve been for the last few weeks until i talked to my therapist. I’ve been so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. Everything has seemed so hard. I’m constantly sick and my head is exploding. Living is getting harder and harder but i get up, take a shower and go to work. Smile and hang out with my friends, make my clients feel beautiful and then i go home and think of all the ways it would be better if I wasn’t alive.

When my therapist […]

Today i really want to relapse. That all that’s the post. No heartfelt words. No tears. No trauma dumping. I just want to relapse.

My therapist told me that when i feel like I’m slipping i need to write 5 things that I’m thankful for for that day. So here it is:

1. I’m so thankful for my sobriety. I’m thankful that no matter what I’m going through i never have to judge the severity of it with the type of liquor i buy. Thankful to never drunk drive again. I’m thankful that I never have to disappoint my parents by turning up to the family function acting a fool because I’m drunk and they don’t know it. Thankful that I don’t have it rely on being drunk to be […]

Red walls and an old red leather couch we sit. Side by side in the dark with the tv being the only light. He kisses me. He tells me he loves me. I know what happens when he starts this. I love him. He grabs my face and starts kissing me… rough. It’s okay I like it like that but I’m just not in the mood. A little kissing wont hurt me though. His hands slide hungrily down my body. Please don’t not today. I’m tired. I’ve been fighting for a long time. I haven’t slept, eaten and barely spoke in days. Can’t he see […]