Author

goingdown

42 F lost in the world for more than 37 years; i have made a lifetime of bad decisions-- my decided options are always and forever ONLY being a choice between never ending lesser of two evils and NEVER what I want or hope for--- sad thing is after all these years of barely surfacing for air and somehow scraping by life in situations I never wanted to live in or with is that I've finally reached my tipping point-- I've over the last two years felt my emotionality grow numb and weak-- I knew I'd reach an all time low when I could no longer feel any sort of love toward anyone or anything-- the birth of my grandson a year ago left me horrified that I could feel nothing at all emotionally- I could not evoke any feelings at all -- no love no joy no NOTHING-- only thing I can feel anymore is pain and hurt... so while I have also lived a joyless purposeless life full of experiences I never wanted -- my mind and heart have slowly atrophied emotionally to the point that suicide is my only option and only:: opportunity for the calm peace and solace I seek--- I am utterly defeated at this point with nothing left to attempt in life but suicide-- it is now my only goal and motivation in this life --- my recent and final attempts to once again change my below poverty level state of living resulted in absolute degradation-- I have NOTHING left tangible or intangible- there is no going back to a better time or times because none have existed in my 42 years so far -- I am defeated by my past experiences and unable to muster strength or opportunity for the.potential future that unfurls to infinity --- I even now try to evoke some sense of emotion to possibly make me feel human --- I am incapable--- I don't feel excitement for life so.why should I for death??? I regret everything yet nothing... beauty is fleeting - no matter what it is found in... permanence is fallacious...you would think i realize then that possibly.death is not a good solution bc it might just be too permanent in actuality-- but no... beauty and permanence in life are definitely fleeting --- I have nothing left to attempt as a final hail Mary in life -- there is nothing I want in or from life-- there is nothing anyone could give or offer or help me obtain something/anything in this world that makes me want to continue on with living--- I have not ONE friend in life to call -- no acquaintances even - I have no one from the past who would pick up the phone from me calling -- no one who would show up to my dirty dingy apartment and identify my body-- I am truly alone yet have no mourning in me for my unfettered life-- I am not loved and I realize now it is because I do not love --- I am incapable of feeling --- I only feel bone-crushing mental pain and my choice is to end that pain so I can have quiet in my head finally-- the weight of the pain I carry inside is far greater than my load bearing capacity as a person... I want quiet in my mind so my heart stops.randomly pounding so my limbs stop shaking so my sweating will end --- I want a tranquility that I can only assume exists bc I've never experienced it-- I want my thinking to stop - I want the berating of myself internally to end-- I have been hysterically screaming internally in complete horror and fear for years and I nor anyone else has attempted to save me... I have tried help -- involuntarily and voluntarily-- I now roll onto my back gasping for air like a near drowned victim -- my pounding chest and head should want the life available simply by taking a breath of air -- instead I am ready to welcome the finality of falling into nothing... I can no longer justify living like this --- I don't want to live with the incapability of living I've fostered and am now irreparably cemented in... I wish I could feel bad for this decision bc inherently I know suicide is the least acceptable solution by given standards-- but I want the abject permanence it offers. I have no other options any longer -- there are no ties I have to anyone -- there is no hope left for me to have anything I want in life bc there is nothing I can evoke as something I want to happen or experience in life... given I have nothing to want achieve or look forward to in life-- I choose death. I am defeated.

I’ve waited a lifetime…

by goingdown 5/4/2013

written by goingdown

i have lived 42 years. there isnt much i havent done. Â i had beauty and intelligence and much success as measured even by societal standards. i have my masters, made Vice Pres before i was 35, achieved a 6-figured income before i was 30, was married to an attorney with 3 children, had a 5500 sq ft home on the water, i have traveled nationally and internationally, i by all standards have seen and done it all…

i have never experienced happiness or joy– ever.

i used to think my childrens births were joy or happiness now I see that I was excited bc I thought I’d […]

5/4/2013 6 comments