God, I hate you. I see now that you were my father both above and on Earth. You haven’t seen me yet, but soon my tears will leave blood-red stains. Take me into Heaven or throw me into Hell, but I won’t stay here anymore.
I’ve been thinking of suicide frequently ever since junior high, Â and I’ve also been thinking lately that I just don’t want to be happy or content. In part, I just can’t imagine myself as a happy, smiling person; it actually makes me uncomfortable. I would need to change so much about myself, and part of me even hates happy, optimistic people. It seems like I would always be wearing a mask. I’ll list a few other thoughts as numbered points:
Being serious and unemotional makes me feel more in control of day to day situations. I’m worried that acting friendly would invite too many people who […]