inquisitivewanderer

Last I was here, I was actively suicidal and giving into despair. I still believe my life will end by my own doing. However, there will be no more giving into despair. I know I haven’t been a good person, even though I’ve tried. I was born very flawed, excessively so compared with the population. I never wanted to be as messed up as I was. I was never malicious or intent on sowing destruction. In fact, there’s very much love in my heart. I just never learned how to let it flow out of me. I know how to let it flow now, by […]

I remember a time that I hung myself and woke up on the floor with a dog leash around my neck.

There was a specific point, in trying to end myself, that I knew I could still save myself. Choosing not to pull myself up and release myself took a lot of courage that I haven’t had since.

Since then, I tried putting a handgun to my head but couldn’t find the strength to pull the trigger. It was found in my nightstand while I was away from home, by someone who cares about me. What a joke.

I need […]

I’ve been living with a tendency toward suicide for about 2 decades. From a young age, what ought to have been teenage angst has turned into a lifelong struggle for sanity. Last saturday, I finally suffered a psychological break. This makes me realize how sane I have been all along. It’s caused me to dive deep into exploring my propensity for the morbid act of suicide.

In times that I’m trying to build on my life, trying to ignore my struggles and everything that stands in my way, I’m quite optimistic. In those times, I believe there is some grand purpose to it […]