Some days just kind of pass and I only have to go to my happy dead place 2 or 3 times, those are good days. Some days the planning and details of my demise are not enough and there is only constant tears and suffocating despair. This waiting and trying to do things right is so hard, I’m not always sure I can make it.
I feel a little better. Not crying all day long, only here and there. Not paralyzed by despair and unable to function at all. I can see now. No one can, no one will, save me, fix me, see me. I’ve accepted and adjusted. Life is better because I’ve started planning my death, the details are getting me through the day.
I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Why do I keep breathing. I shouldn’t be here. I must’ve been a terrible person who did horrible things in another life and this is my punishment. I have no value, no meaning. I fall asleep wishing I won’t wake up, please not another day. I want to do this right so badly but I don’t know if I can hold on long enough.
I would like to think that if just one person, just one, would care, would look at me and see the slipage, the intense pain, the sick desperate need, and do something, say something, that maybe it wouldn’t be too late. Maybe I’m still fixable and worth something more than fish food. I’m not, I know that, but if I’m going to wait and plan and try to do this last thing as right as I can, I need to think it until the details are worked out and my time is up. I want my time to be now. Now. Every second is one […]
I tried to find a different way, tried to reach for help. No one cares, even here. Seems like a pretty big sign. I have an idea, just need to iron it out. Going to start a notebook, make a list of things I need to do, letters to loved ones, figure out how to leave my car to my sister, stuff like that. I can’t swim, I think the ocean would be good. I need to wait so I can make car repairs to make the drive to CA. I’m not sure if I can.
I feel a fraction better right now but it’s only because I’ve started making a plan so actually not better I guess.
Pretty sad when even here no one cares, it goes unanswered, not even worth looking at. Like a sign, I should stop thinking anything will ever be different, no one will ever give a flying f**k.