Depression: don’t want to deal, don’t want to feel. Nothing. Just want it to go away. Feeling. Emotion. Love. I want to push it out of me. Down some rocky shore. Out into an ocean, an abyss anything to swallow this pain, make it gone, disappear. Be dead.
Not living. Not trying to. Just breathing, just beating, just thinking. Hate and anger. At me. I despise myself. I despise this life, this nothing. This pain. Accepted by no one, loved by no one, am no one. Empty. Shallow. Weak. Where is the purpose to live in that?
I am glad that some of you understand my pain. It will end today. I don’t know how or when but it will be today. I have written my goodbyes. I will say them too. I must say goodbye to my mother and Shawn. I must give them that. They will not reach me in time so I am not worried about being “rescued”. It would not be a rescuing of life but a flogging of one to bring me back to this hell. This life. This emptiness. It grows closer, death, I can feel it. Must do all that I can to stay on […]
Most people fear death. I welcome it. Something, anythingÂ
to remove this shroud of pain I wear everyday.
Heartache. The heartache I breathe in and out everday.Â
Heartache and suffering from my failure.
The constant failure that surrounds everything I do; everything I try.
My being is nothing. I’ve done nothing. People have done so much where
I have accomplished nothing. I’m always close but never there.
Never enough. Never good enough. A burden. Horrible. Disgusting.
I can’t stand to look at myself, ever. The ugliness within as well as out ,
God I hate what is me. My heart, such pain. Everyday the pain.
The pain is real never subsiding. Where is death, I can feel it calling.
My veins, my neck, my stomach. I can taste the lead, feel the powder.
The last touch, my last breath. Where will I go; someplace dark?
Something light and warm? Will the pain follow me? When.
Soon? Later? One last goodbye. Will Shawn feel it in my hug goodbye.
In my hug hello? Will they see it in my face. Will they know. Do they know.
So tired. Wish I could sleep forever. If I die before I wake thank you lord I’m yours to take.
There is nothing to this life anymore, never was. Never was anybody.
My life is pain, nothing, emptiness. I don’t want to feel anymore,
I don’t want to be anymore, I don’t want to live anymore.
Please steady my courage to die. I want to die. I need to die.
Nothing is for me and will always be nothing. Let me drift away to nothing.
Death give me peace.