ladolcemorte

This is not the first year that I have told myself that I will get through one last holiday season before killing myself.  I’m not sure how many years I have told myself this, but it is at least 5. Last year I was in the hospital at this time, and even though COVID protocols prevented the psych ward from giving weekend “passes”, the Dr was very kind and arranged to let me go home for Christmas and return to the hospital.

I was later transferred to a specialized hospital and not discharged until May of this year, shortly before my 38th birthday. […]

I am at the airport…my plane leaves for my suicide spot in 40 minutes.    It is a really weird feeling…being in an airport for the very last time ever….I keep looking around and thinking jow weird it is that by this time tomorrow I will be dead.

I am finally ready to do this. I am not even scared of the pain anynore. I just need this to be over.

I just hope this works…

I wrote a post about a year and a half ago about crying at work. I define every job I have ever had according to my secret crying spots. I feel like it would be a really good theme for a one woman show: stairwells I’ve cried in.

Once more, trying to see if I can keep it together for the day…just to give myself a little bit more time to be 100% sure I need to die before acting on my plan…gave myself five minutes to cry in a secret place before pulling myself back together.

The discrete problems change but the overarching issue has remained […]

Nothing about my life has been graceful. My life was clumsy and awkward. I was clumsy and awkward. My exit, however, will be graceful. The timing will be right. Right before my birthday. The place will be beautiful. A gorgeous view from which to take my last breath. I will exit gracefully. I will exit gracefully and the internal terror will end.

I keep pushing myself to stay alive long enough to see if I can turn things around. All I have managed to do is add to the list of reasons to die. The list is so long now. The list is long and I am tired.

I can’t stop thinking about Christmas Eve 2009. my first year as an adult working in the real world…and I thought “hey maybe my life is going to work out”. There was so much promise. so much hope for the future.

Then it all fell apart. I tried to put it back together again. And then it fell apart again, and I tried to put it back together yet again, only for it to fall apart again. And it has been a viscious cycle for the last 9 years: falling apart over and over agin, notwithstanding my numerous efforts to rebuild.

my most recent effort at rebuilding […]

Someone asked me about you today.  “How’s so-and-so?”

How to go about explaining that you are no longer mine.  Maybe you never really were.  I think you left long before you actually left, but that’s beside the point.

Someone asked me about you today, and it broke my heart.  I had ALMOST forgotten about you.  Almost swept up every last morsel of your memory…and then I heard your name.   I heard your name and all of those memories came flooding back.

Someone asked me about you today, and I wanted to go back…to a time when it felt like someone cared…no matter what went wrong, you cared…and […]

please please let this work.  Please, please let me find peace.

so why am I suddenly so scared? I know if I can just summon the courage to get through one terrifying moment it will all be over. I have been dreaming about this and preparing for this for months. I should be read. I tried to improve my life and it didn’t work. I know this is the right thing…

Please, please God, just give me the strength to do it and let it work. let me go. Just let me go.

I was intending to execute my plan tonight but there is an obstacle…a problem I noticed with the method…(I won’t say what the method or problem is because the site rules prohibit disclosing methods)…

I am not sure whether to go through with the original method despite the issue or to change to a new method. I’m so afraid this won’t work…

Dammit. I wish I could just push a button to end all of this. 🙁

I am going to attempt to execute my plan for the third time in as many months.   The last two times I chickened out in one form or another.  I had excuses for why things went wrong each time, but fundamentally I    Just wasn’t committed enough.

I thought at first that maybe that meant I didn’t really want to die.  So I tried to improve my life.    I went on job interviews but never heard anything back.   I tried to rebuild a friendship but only confirmed that it was never as strong as I thought it was in the first place.   […]

I am really frustrated about being in this weird purgatory between life and death. I came really close to executing my plan a few weeks ago. But the plan was interrupted. I called a crisis line, telling myself that I just wanted to hear the voice of a real human before I did it so that I wouldn’t be entirely alone when I died, and also because I wanted to talk it out and be 100% sure that I was ready to do it. I ended the call, saying I was going to call back after taking a quick nap.

Instead, the phone rang and it […]

I am scared but I am doing this. I wrote an entry back in January about how I was going to give myself until my birthday to turn things around, or I was going to do it.

Well, things have only gotten worse since January. In addition to having lost a job and my adorable little dog, I have now also lost my best friend. I have not gotten any better at handling life. And I tried. I tried medication. I tried therapy. I was in the hospital for three weeks. And none of it helped. None of it.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. […]

my parents visited me over the weekend. they want me to just come home. (I’m 35 and recently lost my place to live. I am currently house sitting, looking for a job and place to live.) They said they would feel devastated if I killed myself.

I don’t want to hurt them. I love them and I know they love me. But I have made my decision and there is no going back. I cannot stay alive for other people any longer.

I was going to do it tonight, but my sister has a play tomorrow and I don’t want her to get the news before her […]

I have made all the arrangements. I am ready to do this.

But I’m scared. Scared I won’t be able to go through with it when the time comes. Scared something will go wrong. Scared the Catholics are right and I will end up in hell.

I feel at peace with my decision and I am counting down the days. I want so badly to be done with this pathetic life of mine. But I’m scared. I know those last few minutes are going to be agonizing and that I am going to be completely alone.

I know that there is little to be gained from comparing one’s life to what it “should” be…but…

I tried so hard. I did all the “right” things. Got a good education at a prestigious school. Studied really hard. Worked really hard at every job I ever had. Worked really hard at every relationship I ever had–romantic or platonic. Failed at absolutely everything. Everything.

And now I am 35 and I have nothing. I just lost the best friendship I’ve ever had and my place to live. I am house sitting and basically have a week to find a new place to live and a job.

And I’m […]

I have no hope left that my life can improve. I have lost everything that ever meant anything to me.

I cannot seem to get mobilized to work on my resume and apply for jobs. I cannot think of anything positive about myself to put in a cover letter or to say in a job interview.

I just…can’t seem to move forward and I’m not sure why. I just…can’t rally. I’ve got nothing left.

My heart is broken in an absolutely irrevocable and unsalvageable way.

I know what I need to do but I really wish I could summon just a little bit of resilience to try once again. […]

I posted awhile ago about ending up in the hospital.   I have now been here a little over 3 weeks and I am being discharged tomorrow.

The thing is, the drug they gave me (lurasidone) was starting to work…and I actually thought “maybe I will give this whole staying alive thing a shot”.

When I went into hospital, I was pretty sure the friends who had taken me in were not going to want me back.  (There is only so much that you can expect people to put up with).

But they really surprised me.  They said of course you are welcome back, and stay until you […]