confused, scared, broke and nothing to live for. Â I too wish I had a way to end it all without the possibility of a failure. Â Makes me angry that even suicide has to be such an inaccessible thing and has to be so carefully executed. Â Wish things were more available than they were. Â Seems any lethal drug like a sleeping pill is hard to get even in Mexico.
Author
lark
lark
60yo gay male - lived everywhere - tired of poverty and going to every form of therapy, encounter groups, etc. available. Done so many "walking on coals barefooted" type stuff I lost count of em back in the 70's. EST, LifeSpring, Justin Sterling, Anthony Robbins, Outward Bound, The Caron Foundation, etc. etc. etc. No matter what I can't re-wire myself enough to support myself and get over my fear of intimacy, etc. Don't care anymore what judgmental people say - coward, others are suffering more, you should look at so and so and see what they're going through, etc. etc. They're right and always will be right. All I know is existing the way I have has been something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and I don't care how it's categorized - self-absorbed, etc. Again, whatever can be said or hurled at me is true. Have fantasized about a successful suicide all my life. At eight years old in the 1950's I had no idea that a family sized bottle of over the counter sleeping pills was useless. I'd only heard about movie stars doing it. It was the single happiest memory I can remember the night I said goodnight to everyone and cheerfully headed back to my bed, fluffed up the pillows swallowed a huge amount of pills and blissfully fell asleep - assured that the barbed wire was being cut and I was escaping from Auschwitz forever and finally. No more being a freak, laughed at and made fun of. No more having my father get up and leave the room when I entered. No more pain period. Like a pyrotechnic exploding in the sky a single moment of happiness gleamed hope over the dismal landscape of my inner world shining with the promise of a new world. I awoke the next morning to the sound of my father's lawn mover. It was the first of 8 attempts over the years and I really do want to succeed. It is my life's goal. To find the exit door and get out of this "festival" I did not ask to be invited to. This guest wants to leave but the host has insisted I stay and have a miserable time.