I blocked most of the contacts in my phone yesterday. There are a few of them that I need for the next month and a half, but I decided to block everybody I didn’t need to contact for work or family. It would raise too much suspicion If I didn’t respond to them. I deleted my Facebook account too. It was the only social media presence I had, but I erased that part of myself as well. I hadn’t posted on it in months, and I can’t stand that crap anymore. It was weird doing this stuff yesterday, because it felt like the first steps […]
I have decided to make my exit on New Year’s Eve. This message is barely for the community, but it’s mostly for me. I needed to finally type it out. I will be here somewhat for the next two months, but this is the first and last place I will check in with, once the decision was made.
I gave up even more last night. I spent over $2.0000 last night on rare video games I have been putting off getting because of their price tags. But I feel so hopeless at this point, that I have decided to grab these titles anyway and play them before I can’t anymore. Carpe diem, right? Why the fuck not?
I can tell my mind is slipping a bit, because I forgot my phones password yesterday. That’s never happened to me before. I tried so many passwords I had to wait 3 hours to try one final time before my phone permanently locked me out. Luckily, I […]
I gave up on my diet today and ordered two pizzas from Domino’s. I ate both of them throughout the entirety of the day, but it felt like giving up. Not just on my diet, but on myself. I may be cutting down my timeline even further than previously predicted. Because my heart just isn’t in it anymore. I have created my will I have purchased my gun and now it’s time to figure out what comes next. My only current plan is to continue to build equity to leave somebody else. That’s it, that’s my only current goal. It’s something, but I am not […]
I have lost 42 lbs. since the middle of May and I thought I would be happier with the results, but i’m not. I am 166 lbs. right now but for some reason I don’t feel significantly better. My blood pressure has stabilized dramatically which is definitely a positive thing, but I still feel oddly unsatisfied. I walk for around an hour and a half every evening to clear my head and just kind of keep my metabolism still working somewhat. But not even that brisk level of intermediate walking helps me feel better.
I spent 2 hours last night rearranging my game room even though […]
If I were brave, I wouldn’t be here. If I were smart, I wouldn’t be a coward. If I loved myself more, I would be out living life on a Friday night. If I had could stop running, maybe I could just clear my head. If I had more time…i’d hate myself a little less.
But I don’t live like that. My world has grown smaller and darker as time wanes on. I have grown smaller and weaker as well. I find my existence to be increasingly cumbersome. I know there is a part of my brain struggling not to give up, but the urge is […]
I saw a cornea specialist the other day and my corneas are swollen. Apparently, they have been for a while. My corneas are basically breaking down at an alarming rate. My eyes optic nerves are dying quickly too. My eye pressure is too high and i’m running out of things to try to bring it back down. When the eye’s pressure is too high it damages your optic nerves. The optic nerves are the the cables from your eyes to your brain. Once they die forever, it’s permanent midnight. I’m going to have to move up my original trajectory to sooner than a year. I’m […]
I am on so many medications at this point I barely feel human anymore. I’m currently taking four eye drops and 8 pills a day. I barely go out anymore just because I need to keep track of when I need to take everything. One of my pills is a diuretic and it constantly leaves me dehydrated and tired. 5 out of my 8 pills are just this one drug, so i’m dangerously dehydrated all the time. It’s part of the reason i’ve been losing so much weight. I also take something to treat blood pressure and an antidepressant. I just kind of feel numb […]
I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday. I am dreading it like crazy too. I’m seeing a cornea specialist to decide if I need a corneal EDTA chelation operation.
I have been taking eye drops as long as I can remember and over time these eye drops have formed calcium deposits on top of both of my corneas. This is called band keratopathy. And i’m nervous because chelation involves using acid to dissolve the calcium while using a small blade to scrape off whatever’s left. This all happens under anesthetic of course, but it still sounds awful, and it definitely has risks. I guess i’m just […]
I know it seems kind of silly, but i’ve been thinking about my final day on earth a lot lately. And one of my reoccurring questions is, what would my last meal consist of? I have been on a self, imposed diet for the last 6 weeks and I have lost 25 lbs, but that just means everything sounds good to me at this point. I’m pretty sure I would have some version of pizza with fries and a piece of french silk pie. What would you guys spoil yourselves with?
I have become more and more isolated over time. It’s kind of an odd feeling because now I just have everything delivered to me whenever I need something. These days I work from home, so for the most part I can live a contactless existence. It’s an unusual place to be when you realize you don’t need to go anywhere. I always keep a tv on for background noise though, because I really can’t stand the stillness of pure silence. Which I suppose is kind of ironic considering how secluded I find myself these days. I wonder if I will ever really feel comfortable in […]
I feel completely hollowed out today. I suppose that’s not fair, because this feeling has been growing with intense ferocity over time. I’m not even really sure what to do anymore, i’ve lost interest in most of the things I used to do, or my vision is so poor now I just can’t do them anymore. The best, case scenario is that I have around 4 surgeries lined up in the future, if i’m even around that long, but even then, the complications and outlook of those are not incredibly optimistic. So, I just kind of feel like everything is a noose slowly tightening in […]
I made a promise to myself over 20 years ago that my life hinged on a very distinct timer. I have open angle glaucoma that I was born with and my vision has been dwindling pretty gradually over the last 40 years. I made a promise to myself that once all of my vision was gone, I would make my exit.
Things have progressed negatively in a very major way, and I probably have less than a year to express myself. So, here I am to hang out with you guys until the final days. I used to be so angry at the world for being […]