Today in 4th period I was fine, then all of a sudden I started getting really antsy and I got really nervous. I have no clue why, I asked my teacher if I could go to the nurse to take my medication (I don’t take medication) and she asked me if that’s where I was really going, obviously I said yes. But I went walking around and tried to calm myself, but instead I got angry. I started punching the walls and I started punching myself, I have no clue why. So for 45 mins I went walking, then I went back to class and […]
Today is the 2 week mark that I haven’t taken pain killers. I AM CRAVING THEM SO BAD. But in their place I am cutting myself more and drinking more. Whatever I can do to try to make the pain go away. I miss the pills, like I miss the effect. I didn’t feel anything, I didn’t think about anything. I just sat there. And I like not thinking, because I don’t think of all the bad things. I don’t have to remember everything that I’m trying to forget. But I am trying to stop cutting myself, so when i wear short sleeves i wont […]
Got totally drunk 2 days ago, have been throwing up ever since then, but today, finally feeling better, I can EAT! And finally sleep without the whole world spinning. Which is good, my mom was starting to think I was pregnant, ha, I’m 16, no thanks. I rather spend my time getting drunk and getting high. When it comes to drinking the first few sips are horrible, but as I get use to it, I start to slam them back. I finished a 6 pack in 2 hours. I would have been even more drunk if I wouldn’t have ran out of beer. Today my […]
Haven’t gotten out of my bed all day today, only to use the restroom, but that’s it. Haven’t eaten all day, and I’ve been up since 6 a.m. trying to lose weight. I’m fat. I cut myself Tuesday and Wednesday and its not healed yet, usually I’ll have a scab, but I guess I cut myself deeper than usual cause the wounds still open. It sucks i have to hide it from my dad an step mom. I don’t know I’m in a weird place, been thinking this whole time while I’ve been in my room. If I killed myself right now, no one would […]
I’m comfortable with sadness. I wonder if my life will always be like this. I wear sadness like I wear a shirt, always with me. I want to be happy, but happy is unfamiliar. How is it that sadness has become my comfort, my home? If I reach out my hands, happiness is just in reach. But I cling to the darkness because it is familiar. I don’t think I deserve to be happy. Its like when I personally take 2 steps forward my home life knocks me back10 steps. So I’m back to the beginning again, back to feeling worthless and stupid and ugly.
How do you forgive someone who has hurt you? The guy who hurt me when I was little messed me up so bad. I have a hard time trusting adults, I have a hard time being in a relationship with a guy, if my boyfriend were to touch me a certain way, like he did, I would freak out and have to distance myself from him. And my boyfriend wouldn’t understand why I was acting the way I was. I want to be normal And when my boyfriend leans in to kiss me I won’t freak out. Or if he puts his arms around me […]
I hate when my mom is drunk or when her stupid boyfriend is drunk. ALL THEY DO IS FIGHT. I’m so sick of it, its been going on for 5 years, the alcohol the drugs the pushing the hitting. I’m done. They add so much more stress to me. I already have issues without them. I’m tired of the fighting. I hate seeing my mom crying, I hate seeing her drunk. I hate it when all her an her boyfriend want to do is drink. I stick around because my baby brother is 3 and someone has to be there to take him to the […]
Oh goodness I am so tired of people telling me I have a drug problem. I do not. My Mentor told me, “If anyone takes a substance to not feel, then that’s a problem.” I’m sorry I feel so sad all the time and am worried about other things, that I take pain pills to deal with it, and I cut myself to deal with it. I don’t know what else to do when I am so down in the dumps. I don’t know what to do. If I do have a problem, so what? No one is going to ‘help’ this poor 16 year […]
Why am I here on this planet? I hate being alive, I hate waking up each morning. Why am I here!? Why did God put me on this Earth? Why am I always so sad? I don’t deserve to be here, I’m an awful person. I’ve done nothing good so far in my life. I’ve only caused pain. Pain to the ones who care about me and love me. Why do I hurt the ones I love? I wish God would have given my healthy body to someone who is sick and dieing. They deserve it. I’m not doing anything good to my 16 year […]
So people tell me that God doesn’t make mistakes, that everyone has a purpose on Earth. Maybe my purpose is just to be here for a while. Maybe I have no purpose at all. I have nothing to offer this world. I have no gifts, no talents. Im failing all my classes, (im a junior in High School). I’m not going to write a great piece of music. I’m not going to paint a master piece, or come up with a cure for cancer. If I was gone the world wouldnt miss me, the world wouldnt have lost a great person.
Today, was really down, more then usual, so I had taken a pain pill. And I was thinking during the last period of the day that I was going to home and overdose on pain pills. My friend had asked me why I was so quiet, so I told her, and she told me a lot of people would miss me. I told her I didn’t believe her, she told me to go ask my Mentor, Ms. M if she would miss me. So I did. She told me she would be sad and mad. And that she would miss me. She gave me a […]
My mentor told me something a few days ago, that stuck with me. She said: “You really want to leave your family with that kind of pain?” Hmm, no. But I’m tired of ME being in pain. I’m tired of waking up everyday, and hating that I have woken up. Im tired of faking a smile and making people think I’m ok. I’m tired of never being good enough for anyone. I’m tired of hurting people. Yes I know that if I kill myself that people will be sad and hurt. But they will get over it. Its not like Im something valuable to this […]
Hi everyone. Well a little about me, I was born to a 16 and a 17 year old couple, their relationship didn’t last, so I was raised by my mom. When I was 2 my dad came back in to my life and I would go and spend the night with him every now an then at his mom’s house. When I was 5 me and my brother spent a month with him during the summer. During that time I was molested by a man who, I guess was a family member of my step grandpa. At first I knew it was wrong, but as […]
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