Sunnygirl1

I’m bipolar type 2, and I go through stages. I get two days or so of neutralness. I’m not happy, but I’m not upset. Then, I have my two days of “OMG lets go shop and have fun and exercise and run and yay omg”, and finally, I go through a solid week or so of severe, mind-numbing depression.
The best part? Throughout all of these phases, I get about 2 hours of sleep a night.

I can only sleep during the day, which I try desperately not to do. Luckily since I take online classes, sometimes I can get away with it but I always […]

I’ve decided that I’m giving myself a lazy day today.

No working on my online classes, no obsessive cleaning, no errands to run.

I’m going to take a bath, put on my pjs, slip into bed and knit while watching Benny and Joon.

I might just not move at all today.

I’ve suffered from insomnia for over a year, but over the past few months it’s gotten worse. I can’t sleep at night. I just can’t. If it’s dark out, I won’t sleep.

I sleep for about 3 hours max every night. On weekdays, I fall asleep around 5 and wake up at 6:30. On weekends, I sleep an extra hour. I can’t even sleep with the lights on.

I’ve taken sedatives, I’ve meditated, I’ve tried going three days without sleep to exhaust myself and nothing works. My brain fights everything.

I hate you, PTSD. You’ve taken everything from me: My happiness, my childhood, my sanity. The least you […]

“Happiness is a choice”

We’ve all heard it from someone we know. All those motivational speakers and optimistic therapists; that one friend that’s always just a bit too perky. The funny thing is, people like that look down on people like me. My dad would always call me lazy. He’d say “You’re not trying hard enough,” or “If you wanted happiness you’d be happy”.

It doesn’t always work like that.

I’m 17 and on so much medication that I have to carry around a little list of pill names so that I don’t forget. I haven’t slept more than two hours a night for the last year. I […]

I’ve posted on here multiple times, hoping for something.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for.

Maybe that someone will say something that would move me, motivate me, inspire me. Maybe someone will fix me.

The truth is, no one can motivate me except for myself. Unfortunately, I don’t have enough energy to do that right now. I guess for now I’ll just keep hoping.

There’s always that moment when I first wake up,

That blissfulness,

Frozen in place, blanket pulled over my head.

During that moment I can be normal, I can be happy.

I forget about the things that have me crying and sobbing.

I forget about my medication,

I forget about my problems,

For a moment, I’m just frozen.

I never really had time to grow up on my own. I didn’t get to spend my days playing outside and getting all dirty. I didn’t play with dolls or play with my easy bake oven.

I stayed inside alone with my thoughts for most of my childhood.

My mother killed herself when I was four; I saw her.

My dad was devastated. He picked up our things and we moved half way around the world. By the next year, he had a live-in girlfriend and was doing fine. I wasn’t. I remember crying at school. I didn’t have any friends because I was just the girl who […]

Often times, parents try to set the best example for their kids. If you set a good example, and teach your kids about morals, manners, and respect, they’ll turn out great, right?

My mother was bipolar, a recovering alcoholic, and extremely paranoid. She killed herself when I was four.

Now, I’m 17.

My father is a successful school supervisor and is married to a lovely woman. They have two adorable children together.

My older brother works in an office and is getting married.

My sister lives in Mexico with her husband and is enjoying life.

The difference between me and them? I found my mother in the basement when she killed […]

I get so unbelievably scared thinking about death.

What happens? Where do we go?

I like to think that we come back as someone else. That’s the least unsettling theory.

Thoughts?

Have you ever gone running, and pushed yourself to run faster?

And when you run faster, do you find yourself gasping for air, trying to hold on and keep going?

I feel like that everyday. Like no matter what I do, I’m pushing and fighting.Things can never just be easy.

I feel that over the years, I’m always the one left behind.
It seems as if all of my friends have plans. They all have something to look forward to, something to live for.

Then there’s me, the girl with all the issues.

That’s alright. You guys just go enjoy your awesome lives while I sit in the corner and have a private little pity party for myself.

I’ve literally once heard someone at school refer to me as “The girl with all the issues”

My best friend ask me why I dropped out of school and became homeschooled. I lied to her and told her it’s because I wanted to work ahead.

In reality, I dropped out of school because it physically hurts me to be around people. When I’m out in public, I have to use up my energy to try and focus on myself and not my surroundings. If I don’t, I become hypersensitive. I hear everything. I hear every voice, every footstep, every movement. It’s horrible, it feels like everyone’s screaming […]