Muddlewarcar

My suicidal struggles…
…personal accountability vs protecting others from my pathos (by hiding it, or minimizing it)
…reaching out for encouragement and hope vs knowing I am incapable of actually sustaining it.
…wanting my life to have a positive impact vs suicide negating any such positive impact.
…confiding in a friend/family member so that I feel connected vs deeply hurting that friend or family member when/if I remove life from my body.

Professional help is more than an oxymoron it dangerous and unaccountable pseudoscience. Unconventional thought is not synonymous with crazy, nor is it criminal.

Ah, but if I were crazy, then my crime, my offense, […]

Someone I care about keeps asking me how I am. What do I say when each answer is both truth and lie: great/terrible, strong/weak, hopeful/hopeless, faithful/fearful, solid/vapor? It is not my intention to be conflicted or confusing or mutable.

Yes, I am okay.
No, I am not okay.
Yes, I want to live and make a difference.
No, I want to this ineffectual life to be over.

I’m like a bunch of well used marbles. Some have retained their sparkle, while many are badly scuffed or chipped, ill suited for their original purpose. So pick a marble, any one, and what you see is the truth, […]

When I was tired at the end of the day, I didn’t think much of it. When I stopped reading every day because I couldn’t focus, I brushed it off as a phase. When I stopped doing the laundry for weeks at a time, or missed taking the trash to the curb 3 weeks in a row, I figured I will catch up eventually.

When my new boss got on me for forgetting what I learned in training, when I struggled to remember facts, dates, scriptures, I still didn’t make the connection.

It wasn’t until I came here, that I realized that not only is something […]

Some years ago I went to an exceptional endocrinologist who explained to me that, despite my thyroid levels being “normal” the actual “normal” was vastly different. Apparently true normal falls within a narrower range than the mathematical average.

It took about 18 months to find the sweet spot, but once found, suddenly I was no longer depressed or suicidal. I am here now because a different endocrinologist lowered by medication.

I am not telling you that you are misdiagnosed, only that it is worth checking out. Advocate for yourself.

Give yourself grace while holding yourself accountable. Improvement can happen.

Our beloved SP admin may ban me for quoting […]