When I first started cutting, I was disturbed by the fact that I liked it so much. I looked up all the reasons people normally cut and I identified or have identified at some point with all of the causes and reasons given. Sometimes I cut to “externalize the internal pain.” Sometimes I cut when I’m depressed to feel something, or to calm myself down with the serotonin high if I’m anxious. Today I discovered that I was cutting for a reason that I’ve never before heard. I have this friend, my best friend actually. We talk about everything, but if I ever try to […]
I’m scared I might do it tonight. I’m so afraid. I don’t even have a plan, haven’t thought about it seriously in a while, but I want to more than ever before. I’ve been asking myself if I wanted to die for months now and I thought through what led to that point and I started writing about it and the decision just came out. I want to die, knowing that, it’s like I need to. I’m afraid of dying, but it seems like the only thing to do, the only solution. Without it, I’m trapped in a state I neither deserve nor want, I’m […]
Make it bleed
Make it drip
Everything’s fine
Hypocrite
Hide it well
Lie to them
Don’t let the scars tell
Let them bleed unseen
Have you ever heard the myth of Persephone?
Persephone was a goddess, kidnapped by Hades and tricked into eating food in the Underworld. When you eat food in the Underworld, you stay. Persephone’s mother was so hurt by the loss, that she demanded Hades let her daughter spend half of her year with her, in the sunlight, and half as the queen of the Underworld. Every spring, Persephone joins her mother and together they bring the earth great joy. Every fall, she descends to the underworld, to rule the damned.
When this feeling came, this unmistakable heaviness, I made an accord with it, like Demeter and Hades. […]