Redandpurple

I woke up today and English felt like a strange tongue.

Now English is technically my second language and it has been a part of my life for a long time, so I usually think and even dream in English.

Today, suddenly, my brain felt absolutely paralysed.

It felt as though I am sputtering sentences out in broken syllables and I looked at the words that I wrote and they didn’t seem quite right.

Being here though. It’s like a sanctuary and my flow of words has come back to me.

The odd thing was that I was messaging a friend (whom I met a month ago but whom I […]

The name that you see me on here by.

You can interpret it as the bruised blood that every human inevitably receives during a lifetime – be it long or short. Or anything. Really. I’m losing the will. You can interpret it any shit way you like since it doesn’t really matter.

Maybe I’ll share with you something that I wrote to someone close to my heart. My dad.

And when someone is close to your heart, the sharp things that they hold accumulated combined with sudden movements that you can’t predict- doesn’t matter if they were intended for you- shreds your heart into long sharp pieces of […]

Ever since I arrived I have not felt visible.

I was caught up in the philosophy and beauty routines that I used to calm myself.

Alone. I am alone.

Who will love me? Who will be my family? Who will-

I will-

–

Pardon me if I am a little incoherent. Alchohol has dampened my mind tonight and even my accent is changing. Oh these British kids I have been surrounded with.

Sparkling white wine swirling around my tongue and disappearing into my body-

the body and the mind and the spirit-

Is the body the only thing that really exists-

for what is the mind but a series of thoughts and a truckload of […]

Now I don’t have calming words anymore. What a pity.

“Want a break from the ad? Watch this-”

SHUT UP

SHUT UP

At 3am in the morning I rise from my bed after having screamed in my head at the person upstairs for hours and hours. Awake. No sleep.

They were stomping, and pacing around abnormally, and it was terrible. The bedroom becomes a torture chamber with the sordid bass of their footstep thudding in my head, and I tried to block out the noise in vain for it was inhumanly disturbing-

I rose and put on my coat and headed out the corridor and as I started down the stairs, […]

In mindfulness practices
The deep,
tonal voice of your guide
Asks you, in total
Calm
And assuredness
To feel the support of the chair beneath you
The ground beneath you.

Feel your existence
Your total and complete existence
Approved by the earth itself.
Feel every ounce of pain
Every place of discomfort
And also
Every part of your body working
Normally
In such harmony and efficiency that you don’t even need to pay special attention to it

…it is the greatest blessing.

I know that my mind is in anguish
And the world seems to have been turned upside down.
Why is darkness descended upon the earth
In […]

The soft spring of a mattress yielding under my body.

Soft, crisp autumn air swirling around my skin.

Here I am again. Alone.

There is something about waking up and realising that no one gives a fuck as to when you do and what you want to do with the rest of your day.

And still people try to be productive. People want to do something great with their lives (they probably won’t, in the grand scheme of things. The only significant action would be reproduction which further extends their gene lifespan).

Guess what? I don’t.

I am just a barely-adult person who craves that sensation when you’re asleep. Sleep is […]

After a wonderful night out with a youth group it just got me thinking.

Even as I was spouting all these existentialist rationales about how we are essentially alone and cut off from each other’s “selves” in a physical sense, I forgot the fact that I was able to think of this at all because someone taught me, as a child, the language with which to… think.

And speak.

And sing.

Does the lack of complete human empathy really mean that we are essentially cut off from each other and, when it comes down to life and death, ultimately selfish?

It just really got me thinking.

ESPECIALLY when I was expressing […]

This morning as I was eating alone someone plopped down directly beside me.

As he slid the chair out sideways it hit my elbow forcefully.

He didn’t apologize or say a word.

He then proceeded to eat his breakfast,  his chair still slanting in that violent angle towards me, his other elbow somehow blocking his plate from my sight and saying “this is my space.”

Meanwhile my inner monologue went “you’re invading my personal space! This table is freakishly long and empty and of all the vacant spaces you chose to sit down beside me?”

I tried a few times to scoot away; we ate our breakfasts without a word […]

That is why we are here.

It’s pretty obvious.

I don’t wonder why people kill off brain dead patients anymore- with special regards to the zombies in pop culture.

We need something from each other’s brains and words.

Validation. Attention. Praise. Reward. Anything is better than nothing, right?

And this is why humans are these weird, social, intensely selfish, reciprocal creatures.

I still haven’t figured it out yet and no one ever will.

It’s so sad to say that the one truth in life is death.

For what do we live? To live like animals?

Is life precious at all? Without death, life would not be precious.

Afterlife is an idea that makes people feel better […]