I made this a few weeks ago, need to do more vent art. Especially since I’m off for two days
I had to leave work early for my therapist appointment. I planned on going back after, but kinda had a feeling I’d be sent to the Er for evaluation.
and I was
they didn’t keep me, I guess even the nurses there said staying at that particular ward again would be detrimental to me, because they had to close the men’s ward and now they’re mixed with the women.
Honestly, I can usually handle this darkness but it gets to the point that it’s too dark, and it wants you dead, and you’re trying to find the help but you’re so exhausted. I might have to go back, […]
I’ll probably do this once every few days—- asking again quick if anyone has any contact with him still, or has seen him around. Left a message on his last post but as I expected it probably hasn’t been seen. Looking to get in touch with him again.
A rant:
I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I thought I hated people before, I just hate them even more now. I’m glad I finally get to see my therapist tomorrow though, it’s been a while. I need it
And you feel like you just need to do something, or reach out.
I changed my name back to what some older members might remember me as. I’m still attempting to contact an old friend I met on here, named Shephard. My last post I talked about how much I miss him, but I lost his email. I recently got into my old email account, but it was wiped clean… so any hope of finding his old email has been lost.
At the risk of sounding like a creepy *****, I am reaching out here to see if anyone remembers/still has contact with Shephard.
Something in my heart […]
but I’ve been thinking of an old friend on here I’ve not talked to in a few years. I miss him terribly, and I wish there was a way for me to get back in touch. I can’t get into my old email, and I lost his… so I almost feel like I’ll never talk to him again. Worst thing is, he lives in NZ (unless that changed) and I’m here in the US. Worlds apart. Fucking sucks. I miss you.
Crazy how you can stand by someone through everything and no matter what they do or say to you, yet once you begin to go through your darkest hours, it’s “I don’t want to talk to you when you’re like this” or “can’t do this right now”.
But I did it for you, I stayed by you when you were “like this” too. Don’t tell me you care about me if that’s what you can say to me.
4 years ago on this day, I was admitted into the hospital for the downward spiral my mental health was rapidly taking.
I’m not necessarily celebrating the fact I was hospitalized, but acknowledging the moment it was that I began my painful journey forward.
While I’m still not “healed”, “saved”, or “functioning”…. I’m better than I used to be. Thoughts of death still linger, my “plan” is still there, should I find myself too deep in darkness. Yet, here I am still.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s possible to drag your tired body along the jagged rocks in the road of recovery. You will […]
I met someone on here years ago, and he lived/lives a world apart from me. I still think about him every day, and wonder how he’s doing. I lost my old email, so I’m unsure I have any way of contacting him ever again.
Shephard, if you read this at all, I still think about you. I miss our daily emails and talking about stupid shit like Half Life. Please be okay.
I’ve personally noticed that every time I’m happy, there’s a catch. Do any of you get this impression with life? Because… right now I’m not sure I’m understanding the point.
Does anyone know how graphic we can get here about our past? I want to help others by sharing my story, but I went into detail about everything, and it could trigger some. I password protected it but want to remove it for the hope that people can know they aren’t alone. It’s a very long and detailed post but my only hope is that it speaks to someone and let’s them know it’s possible, some crazy fucking way, to survive. And maybe share similar experiences.
**** Trigger Warning ****
While I had been hurt before what this “story” will be about, 80% of my nightmares involve the events pertaining to what I’ll be explaining below. Probably because blood is blood. But if I didn’t have my mother, I more than likely wouldn’t be here writing this.
—
My uncle molested me from about 18 to 20 years old.
The grooming began slowly, almost unnoticeably. I was an adult, yes, but what he did to me the night below rendered me a scared little child; his darkness seemed to burst forth like a ravenous creature, and with soulless eyes, he analyzed me.
We were […]
In 2014…. give or take, I met a guy on here and we really clicked. Even talked about meeting each other a few times. Curse the fact we live on opposite ends of the earth. We both had/have our demons though, and the negative energy kind of, fed off each other? If that makes sense. I remember saying to my mother once, that even though I never met him in person, I missed him, as if I did.
Long story short I really miss the guy and hope he’s okay. Still alive. Even if just shuffling along life like I am, I hope he’s at least […]
that I want to die?
Like really. I’m tempted to dig out my note and start planning. I can’t deal with this demon anymore.
plus my coffee is cold again.
does anyone know if braiNsane is okay? Saw their last post and now everything is gone…
today has been slow. My heart hurts and honestly wondering how I’m not bitter by now.
“We live in a culture where it has been rubbed into us that to die is a terrible thing. And that is a tremendous disease from which our culture suffers, and we notice it firstly in the way in which death is swept under the carpet.”
I do believe in God, but nowadays I’m not sure I believe in the way I’ve been taught, being raised Catholic. Religion, tainted by humans. Not as God really intended? I just hope he’s there.
“If you are intelligent and reasonable, you cannot be a product of a mechanical and meaningless universe.”
forgive me if my next few posts quote him. He says a lot I really like and can’t say myself. I’ve never been good with words.
“No valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.”
“The most important thing for anyone to realize is that you and every person you see will soon be dead.“
Would you rather want to know how you were going to die, or when you were going to die?
I hate people. I just do. Yet I crave companionship. So whenever I try to put myself out there, or make conversation with people, they’re too busy or they get creepy as fuck.
I made more friends quicker in my 5 day stay at the psych ward than in my regular life.
And completely unrelated: I feel the need to tell my mother something and am deathly afraid to. But only having it to myself is killing me and making my heart hurt every day. Fucking complicated situations. They either follow me or I get myself into them. Fuck’s wrong with […]
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