I keep spinning back to the darkness. I have one good day and then cycle down to the lowest low. I KNOW I should be seeing a therapist but there is no money for such luxury. I am intensely jealous of all the people in my life who do not work – have not worked for years – and they have shrinks. They see doctors. They have every medication under the sun to even them out. What’s my med? I get to fake it. That’s my med. I get to wake up every day and go to work and be nice and friendly and productive. […]
6-6-15 12:21 am I changed! I changed everything. I walked out on 20 years. I walked away from what wasn’t healthy for me. I started over. It’s not easy. I have $7 fucking dollars in my account until payday. This is HARD. I am working it out. I am learning who I am. I am trying to be myself for the first time in 20 years. I want to grow. I am open to new things. New flavors. New cities. I will not close off any experience for fear or sameness any more. I will try.
But I want us. It’s really all I’ve ever […]
Sometimes I forget the password and I am unable to log onto the Suicide Project Website. My struggle feels like a sign and I find it as ironic as a fortune cookie. “You will be the light in someone’s life.”
I sit here,
staring at this screen,
while another version of me
bleeds out in the tub down the hall.
I envy her.
She is the one who is free.
She is happier than me.
What’s the point of shouting when there is no one to hear? I can scream my pain all day and night but everyone has lives. Everyone has their own pain. They can’t hear mine. It’s just a whimper. A passing phrase. A “How are you.” and “I am fine.” False. Unheard.
I had so many dreams. The only way to make them come true is to leave everything I’ve built; walk away from all that I know. Start over. Lose. I can only win if I lose. And everyone is blaming me for their suffering…and that’s not fair because I suffered so frigging long in […]
I don’t want to live like this anymore.