Silent Screamer

I wanna cut so bad, I’m not sure why I’m telling you.. I have to tell someone, im gonna cut tonight, something happened.. I have to.

When I look at my wrist,

I see the grayish purple tethered up scars.

When I want to see,

The new bright pink fresh cuts with smeared dry blood around the edges.

Why can’t that wish come true?

I’m not sure if I love you,

Or our friendship.

I would rather spend eternity with you

Than my so-called boyfriend.

You’re everything I need.

We are the best that friends can get.

I cry at night because I don’t have you.

Please,

I need you.

I want to cut so, so, so bad.

I would kill, to cut,

Dammit.

My birthday is June 11.

And the only thing I want is to be left alone, with some music and a knife.

My one and only birthday wish.

I started sucking in my stomach at age 5.

Its natural now,

It feels weird if I don’t.

I haven’t stopped since.

My blood slows down.

My pulse steadies.

Clearing my head of any painful thoughts.

Slipping into the best I can be.

Lifeless.

No more

Gone.

Existence is overwhelming,

Death,

Is too inviting.

Slipping into the best I can be.

Lifeless.

I envied the fact that my mom had accidentally cut herself shaving.

That moment when I saw her red, crimson blood trickling down her leg,

All I wanted to do was..

Pull out my veins and cut them in half.

All of them.

Yes mom.

It is all my fault.

Everything is absolutely all my fault.

Nothing,

But my fault

But you wanna know the sad part?

I’m actually starting to fucking beleive that it is all my fault.

She’s too beautiful for words.

She doesn’t believe the compliments.

She deserves better than some guy with a lip ring that treats her badly.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

You have the right to.. And you were put on this planet for a reason.

Please stay ok babe. :’)

Dedicated to Broken.

I feel no emotions.

I feel no love for my family.

No love for my ‘ friends’.

I feel nothing.

No sadness.

No madness.

No hate.

No happieness.

All I can barely feel, is the pain.

And somewhat now like, not love, my dog.

What is happening?

I haven’t cut in quite a while..

Could this be the reason all my emotions have been lost?

The blade gets cozy, driving against my skin.

The warm, thick, crimson liquid dripping and dripping down my arm.

Wanting to bleed it all out.

Having me, slowly slipping away.

Falling into the best I can be.

I have no voice.

Its as if when I move my mouth to speak, no sound comes out,

And that everyone turns away so they can’t read my lips.

I’m just like another dull star in endless space.

—————————————–

I’m invisable.

I’m nothing.

A no one.

Gone.

A un-important.

Can’t I just be taken away?

And actually be fucking gone.

Laying down

Wishing to sleep forever

Not wanting to move, or

To be swept up by a savior

Wanting to be left alone

Bleeding it out.

Bleeding out the guilt.

The pain of living.

Taking me from everyone else.

Having them satisfied.

Me also being satisfied.

Its about time I get my happieness.

I can’t take it.

Just let me die.

Don’t ask why.

Just let me die.

Today, my Dad pointed out my new cuts, and than my brother saw.

Today, my mom had a 3 hour talk with me because she later found out.

Today, I had.. I had..

I have no opinion about what has happened.

Basically the moral of this passage..

Is that my Dad, Mum, and Brother found out that I cut.

I want it over.

I don’t give a fuck how it happens.

Just, please.

Please, take me.

By my hand,

Or someone else’s.

Just let the suffering.

Pain.

Torture.

Life.

Drain from me.

Let me fall into that everlasting sleep.

Just please.

Fucking take me.

I’m spending the night at my dads tonight..

I went to a movie before I came here.

I didn’t know I was gonna come staight here.

I don’t have my blades.

I can not, will not, handle this.

I’m going insane not thinking about cutting.

For the past few days,

I’ve been feeling very weak..

I’ve been cutting a lot lately too..

And of course, Its because of that..

At the moment, I feel so strong.

Then after, it all comes crumbling down.

My ‘friends’ think its because lack of sleep, or something else like that..

It’s lack of blood.

Not lack of sleep.