It’s hard to imagine after a month of this calm, now that the time has come, I can feel so afraid. Standing at the edge like this, I get it. My suicide is not impulsive. It has been carefully planned. A promise to myself I’ve been making for a year. I will be gone by June. The time has come. I’m in my last week and staring death in the face, I feel this anxiety. But then I think of living, just one extra day past my promise, and the panic is just as great. The guilt, oh the guilt. I’m so sorry for them. […]
Isn’t is funny how easily auto-pilot comes on in the very darkest of days? The lies flow so smoothly. I talk about fixing my car, getting an apartment. I continue my discussions about long-term career goals. All the while, I stare at the person I’m talking to, wondering distantly if this will be the last time I talk to them. It’s just that everyone seems so far away at this point. My plans have become my obsession. I have tunnel vision. Besides a vague, quickly released thought, I can’t allow myself to think too deeply about them and the effects my actions will have. But […]
The strange thing is, I don’t feel depressed. I feel like a terminally ill patient just trying to enjoy the time I have left with the people I love. I look around at them and I feel utter guilt and shame at what I know I am going to do. But I also realize how catastrophically disconnected I am and have been for so long from them and everything else. There is a beautiful world out there, but I know now, it is not mine. There used to be something in me that cared, something that loved. But that thing is gone. That thing will […]